Q. Hi Meredith,
I’m 42 and have been single for eight years after a very long relationship.
I have a friend, someone I dated in high school who is now married. She tells me she misses me and loves me still, but also admits to being in love with her husband. My feelings for her have grown because we speak daily. We never do anything physical when we see each other. I respect that she’s married.
As our relationship grows, I feel more jealousy and anger because I would like to be with her. I told her we needed space because I’m getting attached and I don’t want to ruin what we have. She says I’m like her comfort zone and that she can talk to me about anything. She also says I’m being selfish because I want space and she doesn’t. What do I do? Am I doing the right thing — or am I being selfish by not continuing an emotional relationship because I can’t get over her?
A.Um, no, you are not being selfish. She is the selfish one. Big time.
She tells you she loves you and misses you, demands your attention without considering your needs, and expects you to be her “comfort zone” even though the relationship makes you anything but comfortable.
You say you don’t want to ruin what you have, but please, destroy it. The relationship is making you jealous, angry, and lonely. You want so much more.
Losing her will hurt, and you will miss your shared connection, but you’re better off finding a few platonic friends who can occupy your time. Let this experience be a lesson that you are ready for a relationship — with someone who’s single.
She says you’re being selfish? Hmmm. Must be opposite day. WHITERSHADE
She tells you she misses you and loves you, but also wants to stay married to her husband. She’s a jerk. She has no respect for you and your feelings. Tell her goodbye and don’t look back again. DORA79
There are all those available women out there that you’re not being with because the woman who isn’t available is taking up the space in your head that should be taken up by a woman who is available. HARRYRPITTS
“Friends” do not get upset when their friends need space. She has the upper hand in this one-sided relationship, where he pines away and she unloads her emotional baggage. She is keeping him from having a real relationship. Time to get rid of this “friend.” ASH
“Comfort zone” sounds more like “friend zone.” She’s stringing you along. CONCERNEDCITIZENONDUTY
Ask her husband what to do. PUTSTHEFUNINFUNERAL
Meredith Goldstein’s memoir, “Can’t Help Myself,” will be published April 3 by Grand Central/Hachette.
boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.