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Love Letters

Came home one day and my boyfriend had moved out!

He never said a word about his plan to leave, but get this — he thinks we can keep dating.

Submit your questions for Meredith here.

Q. My boyfriend of a little over a year just moved out without telling me. I was at work one day, and when I came home, he was gone. When I called him, he calmly said he moved out because he thinks we’ll be happier living separately. We’ve been living together for about a year, and just moved into a new place in June.

Everything was normal for the most part up to that point (although we have had arguments here and there). The morning he moved out, we had breakfast together, he took my dog out, and I told him “I’ll see you later” as I left for work. He was acting like nothing was going on.

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What puzzles me the most is that he did not want to break up with me. He said he still wants to be with me in separate residences. I told him I felt betrayed and that I can’t be with him after what he did. His reaction was to tell me I didn’t care enough about the relationship — as if I’m the bad guy for not wanting to be with someone who left without warning.

It’s been a week since he moved out but he has not contacted me once, except to write back to an e-mail I sent him (I asked him to return the key).

I am heartbroken but I know I need to move on. I have been tempted to contact him, asking to meet up for more explanation. Should I just let it be or do you think it’s a good idea to have a formal closure? I don’t know what to do. — Gone

A. I’m not sure that a person who behaves this way can give you any closure. It sounds like you should leave it alone.

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This man seems to think that he made a good decision for both of you. He really believes that it was OK to have breakfast, walk your dog, and then leave without warning. If that’s his version of communication, you’re not going to get a lengthy and understandable story about why he left. I know that’s frustrating. I wish there were more answers.

All I can tell you is that you did the right thing by ending it. His behavior was a deal breaker, and you didn’t bother to pretend otherwise. Feel good about the fact that you walked away when you needed to.

I did notice the timing in this letter — that you dated him for a little over a year, but you were also living with him for about a year. I have to wonder about the reasons for the quick cohabitation. Perhaps he didn’t think the decision to live together was a serious one. — Meredith

READERS RESPOND

His duplicitous departure is your formal closure, hun. You don’t need to be subjected to anymore of his gaslighting. MCDIMMERSON

I once had a fiancée who thought she could announce that she wasn’t ready to get married (three months before the wedding) and wanted to move out, but thought we would stay together while she figured out what she wanted. “Have a good life,” was my response. THATGUYINRI

I don’t think this guy is going to give you the closure you need, and I think continuing to communicate with him will only prolong and intensify your pain. DORA79

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I think you need to count your lucky stars that he’s gone. WIZEN


Meredith Goldstein is in her ninth year of writing Love Letters for The Boston Globe. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.