Q. Hi Meredith,
I met a guy on a dating app back in 2015, when I was 27. A few months down the road, I realized I had fallen hard for him. He told me he was having significant family issues. We never committed to each other, but I was comfortable with the pace of our relationship. A few months later, in early 2016, the family issues made him leave me. We didn’t speak for 10 days, and then I woke up with a text from him basically saying he didn’t want to drag me into the mess, etc. I was heartbroken but glad he was safe, wished things could be different, but I understood.
Well, after a few months of texting back and forth, I invited him over on St. Patrick’s Day for a drunken romp. I was very drunk, angry, upset, but we hooked up. I woke up later that night to shower. He left. In April he told me he left because I was “beating him up” emotionally. He also told me he was dating someone new.
In December 2016, he asked to see me, despite having a girlfriend. He told me he messed up, gave me some sob story, and I believed him. I didn’t think it was serious with his girlfriend (they were only [together] six months at the time), so we started seeing each other. It continued until I found out he proposed — to her — this past June. He’s continued to contact me monthly via text. I have not responded. He’s even gone so far as to say that he’s always loved me. I believe him, but I want something better for myself. My question for you is: Would you contact her? I don’t want to burst her bubble, but honestly I would want someone to tell me if I were her.
— Should I?
A. There’s never an easy answer when it comes to revealing someone else’s cheat.
There’s the “let them figure it out — it’s none of your business!” philosophy, and the “wouldn’t you want to know?” way of thinking, both of which make sense. There are pros and cons with all of it, so let’s make a list, shall we?
Pros: 1. You would want to know. By telling her, you’ll have done your part to be transparent.
Cons: 1. She might not believe you. 2. You have no idea what boundaries they’ve set in their relationship. He lied to you, but how do you know he lied to her? 3. He/they might try to involve you in the aftermath. 4. It might feel awful to be attached to someone else’s painful experience.
I haven’t done a great job with the pro list. Maybe that’s because it’s so messy — and you’re finally in a place where you can ignore him and sever all ties. Please keep adding to both lists and then think about what will bring you the most peace. That’s the real answer to this; you want to choose the path that helps you sleep at night, and the one that makes you feel like you’re taking care of yourself. — Meredith
Focus on your own life. You’re not her friend. She’d probably think you have ulterior motives. Come to think of it, do you? LUCILLEVANPELT
You don’t care about this woman one bit. You knew he had a girlfriend and you decided to “romp” anyway. This is all about you. Clean up your act. WIZEN
So six months for you = falling hard. But six months for her = not that serious? I see. DADZLAZARUSMeredith Goldstein is in her 10th year of writing Love Letters. Submit your questions for Meredith here. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.