All aboard the Red Line. May God have mercy on your souls

The MBTA’s Red Line suffered from severe delays on Tuesday. (Aram Boghosian for The Boston Globe)

Good morning, and welcome back to the work week. We’re experiencing moderate delays so I’ll be your Red Line conductor for the foreseeable future. Next stop is Wollaston. Winter is coming.

[Doors inexplicably close, then open again, and remain open for several minutes]

Ladies and gentlemen, and that guy playing music without headphones, we are experiencing moderate inbound delays due to a, uh, signal problem at Kendall. It’s not even been one day and your summer is already a fleeting memory. Clear the doors please.

[Doors close, train moves 300 yards, then stops]

Ladies and gentlemen, and whoever brought that particularly fragrant breakfast platter, I gotta apologize again. We’re working on the air conditioning. We’ve restarted the system. Also the, uh, signal problem. Going to be some delays. The fire will take us all. . . . Wollaston next.

[8 minutes of sweltering, motionless silence]

Ladies and gentlemen and the guy clipping his nails, we’re going to be standing by here for a few minutes while they work on that, uh, signal problem at Kendall. Also we have a medical emergency up ahead. I am Shiva, god of death. Doors on your left.

[Train crawls into Wollaston]

Ladies and gentlemen and that family that brought four bicycles onto the train at rush hour: I apologize again for the delay. We have four medical emergencies and the, uh, signal problem delaying us. We’ll be standing by here until we’re released. Should be at least a few more minutes. Everyone you’ve ever loved will one day turn to dust and ash.

[Doors close, then open, then close; someone starts sobbing]

Ladies and gentlemen and that guy litigating his custody dispute on speakerphone for some reason, we are working on the air conditioning. If you don’t like the car you’re on, switch to another car. Also, all the cars are full so listen to your hearts. Something something, uh, signal problem. Next stop, North Quincy.

[Doors open; crowd on platform reacts with alarm, like a botched plastic-surgery patient catching the first post-op glimpse in a mirror]

Ladies and gentlemen and that guy who’s got his backpack taking up the seat next to him, attention please: We’ve got severe delays here, due to a . . . uh . . . SIGNAL PROBLEM at Kendall and hundreds of medical emergencies up ahead. Thank you for your patience. We’re working on the air conditioning. JFK next.

[Doors open at JFK; MBTA employee sprints past waving a walkie talkie; doors close before we can see what’s chasing him]

Ladies and gentlemen and that woman who keeps pushing people to protect her nonexistent personal space, we’re holding here indefinitely. I may have mentioned a, uh, signal problem? Medical emergencies. Everywhere. Death reanimated, feasting on the living. Winter is here. Save yourselves. We’re working on the air conditioning.

[Dozens of people leave, the doors close immediately behind them and the train departs]

Andrew next. Doors on your right.