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You whiny liberals sure are freaking out this week.

Your hair is on fire because somebody accused a sitting president of straight-up rape, and hardly anybody cares. You’re outraged because he’s keeping kids away from their families in filthy, overcrowded detention facilities some of you compare to concentration camps.

Get a grip! Think logically, for once. The things you decry both do not exist and are somebody else’s fault. The president is innocent of all crimes, none of which ever happened. We would never elect somebody who did these things, therefore he did not do these things.

Let’s start with that ridiculous rape allegation. Writer E. Jean Carroll says that in the mid-1990s, future-president Donald Trump raped her in a Bergdorf Goodman fitting room. Anyone can see this woman is lying. For starters, she is 75, and unattractive to some people, therefore she is un-rapeable: “She’s not my type,” Trump said, summoning his entire reservoir of kindness. And that was enough.

No, if a man as great and virile as our president were to rape somebody, she would look completely different from this woman. And from some of the other 15 unappealing women he has been accused of kissing and groping over the years. They all came out of the woodwork in 2016, after a tape emerged in which Trump boasted of kissing women and grabbing their private parts without permission.

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But those boasts were just locker-room words, unlike the president’s denials, which are the God’s honest truth. And the president knows God — otherwise why would the evangelical community adore him so? If the president wasn’t telling the truth, why would Senator Lindsey Graham, who denounced him as unfit before he won, now say of the rape allegation, “He’s denied it, and that’s all I needed to hear”? It wouldn’t make sense. The fact-checkers say Trump has told more than 10,000 lies since he’s been in office, but why would anybody believe them over our infallible leader, for hasn’t he made it clear that a free press is our one true enemy?

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Even some Democratic leaders are shrugging at this one: Senator Dianne Feinstein called Carroll’s rape allegation, backed up by two people Carroll told at the time, “not particular new news.” If it really happened, surely she and others would be more upset.

Besides, we are good people. We would never support somebody who did such things — provided the rape victim was pretty enough, and didn’t go public.

And please don’t try to pin the suffering of those kids in Texas on him, too. Sure, we’ve all seen the reports of dangerously overcrowded detention facilities where kids who came across the border live in supposed squalor. There have been reports of older children caring for infants, who soil their clothes; kids being held for weeks without soap or toothbrushes or enough nutritious food; kids who can’t play or learn, who are sick and traumatized.

Sad, if true. But hey, it’s not like we didn’t warn them. What part of illegal don’t you understand? Their parents made the choice to come cross the border, so it’s only right these kids pay the price. It’s the parents who should be ashamed, for using the children to get faster entry into our country, and to try and make us feel guilty.

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Besides, are the conditions really that bad? Like Texas Congressman Michael Burgess said of the diminutive detainees, “Any child is free to leave at any time, but they don’t.” Obviously, they’re enjoying themselves.

And if you really can’t stomach the occasional detained child’s death, then you should help us shut down every inch of the border, so that they may die in their own countries instead. On Wednesday, Trump rightly blamed the Democrats for the death of a Salvadoran father and his toddler, who drowned trying to cross the Rio Grande. The pictures of them lying face-down in the water, her little arm still around his neck, were everywhere. Their deaths could have been avoided, Trump said, if only the Democrats had agreed to his full border wall, and to shutting down the “loophole” that allows people to legally claim asylum here. By turning immigrants away, locking up their children and making them miserable, our president has been trying to save them. You’re welcome!

Here’s the true and final test: If a man credibly accused of sexual assault were inflicting untold cruelty on defenseless children in our name, surely you libs would be marching in the streets. So where are the crowds and pink pussy hats of yore?

Nowhere, is where. Case closed.


Globe columnist Yvonne Abraham can be reached at yvonne.abraham@globe.com and on Twitter @GlobeAbraham

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