Dear Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee,
I write to nominate President Donald J. Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize for his heroic efforts to bring peace to northeastern Syria.
Before I go any further, let me assure you that, unlike other letters you may have received recommending this very stable genius for your most prestigious honor, this one is definitely not a forgery.
No, this letter is as genuine as the beautiful, just perfect, and un-bizarre missive the president sent to Turkish President Recip Tayyip Erdogan last week, a letter, we can all agree, the world will long remember.
As the president has said, in his great and unmatched wisdom, Turkey and the Kurdish people are like “two kids in a lot.” Yes, Turkey is ruled by an autocrat hellbent on slaughter, whereas the Kurds fought alongside Americans, died by the thousands to help contain ISIS, and were counting on the protection of what was once the world’s most powerful nation.
Who could choose between them? Pay no attention to the fact that the president has been heaping praise on his friend Erdogan and trashing the Kurds for being “no angels” and reminding us that these people “didn’t help us in Normandy,” despite the fact that many stateless Kurds likely did fight beside the Allies.
Anyway, it’s just a playground kerfuffle, as Trump says: “You got to let them fight and then you pull them apart.” And what better way to separate arguing kids than with a letter that reads like it was, itself, written by a kid?
“Let’s work out a good deal!” began the letter urging Erdogan to stop slaughtering Kurds after his troops went into Syria to clear them out and create a buffer zone. “Don’t be a tough guy! Don’t be a fool! I will call you later.”
Move over, Abraham Lincoln. Sit down, Winston Churchill. Has there ever been a more eloquent and persuasive attempt at diplomacy in the history of civilization?
Those who hate America ridiculed the letter, calling it childish, and nutty. Why, there are even reports that Erdogan threw it in the trash. But think about it: If the letter were anything but great and perfect, would the administration have made it public? I rest my case.
Of course, various fake and nasty critics will point out that the bloodshed Trump’s heroic letter tried to stop is the very same bloodshed he unleashed in the first place: After a phone call with his Turkish buddy — who absolutely does not have the power to harm the president’s financial interests in Istanbul — Trump agreed to do what his military advisers had long warned him against, pulling US troops from northern Syria and effectively giving Erdogan the green light to invade.
Lies! And if not: Beside the point!
When the perfect and very tough letter didn’t quite stop the carnage, the Great American Statesman and future Nobel laureate sent his trusted envoys to meet with Erdogan personally. There, they proceeded to lie down before the despot, offering the kind of art-like deal for which the television tycoon president is famous: Cut it out with the war crimes we won’t stop, and we’ll give you absolutely everything you want and more, including your Kurd-free buffer zone in Syria.
Doormat diplomacy for the win! Talk about an offer Erdogan couldn’t refuse. Trump hailed the deal as “a great day for civilization” and “an incredible outcome.” I believe we can all agree it was incredible.
Why isn’t everybody over the moon about this? For some unfathomable reason, alarmists are calling Turkey’s efforts to clear the region of an entire minority group ethnic cleansing. The president prefers to call it “the ultimate solution,” which absolutely does not evoke genocide, and is a beautiful description for a wonderful outcome.
Granted, Turkish forces appear to be violating the agreement, continuing to slaughter Kurds who get in their way. Sure, the American retreat was so haphazard that the military launched hasty airstrikes on their own munitions bunker to prevent arms from falling into the wrong hands. Yes, many of the ISIS fighters and sympathizers the Kurds were detaining have escaped. But hey, as the president points out, they are headed to Europe, not America, so that’s fine. Maybe they’ll even end up in Norway!
Meantime, Nobel bigs, I urge you to give the president the recognition he deserves. As he has said many times, justice demands it. Please don’t be like the elitist Hollywood liberals who refused to give him an Emmy, even though “The Apprentice” was the No. 1 show.
Think of it as a favor, though. Good luck with those ISIS escapees!
King of Nambia, definitely a real country.