Opinion

Alex Beam

Massachusetts — It all started here, alas

shutterstock/h.hopp-bruce/globe staff

In a casual remark to a Globe reporter, newly appointed Massachusetts tourism director Rich Doucette said that we need a catchier tourist come-on than the state’s current marketing hook, “It’s All Here.” Shortly afterwards, his agency created a special website for citizens to suggest a new slogan.

Wait — haven’t I seen this movie before? In 2002, the state staged a contest for residents to pitch ideas for a new slogan. The state’s slogan at the time, “The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of America,” was deemed too unwieldy to fit on license plates and T-shirts.

The hoi polloi came up with honkers like “Massachusetts: Where Freedom Begins;” “Mass. Is Magic’’ and “Come Share the Common Wealth.’’ Eventually the state paid a branding company $300,000 for the admittedly uninspiring, “Massachusetts . . . Make It Yours.”

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Herewith my humble suggestions. Rich Doucette, just send the check to the Globe. They know where to find me.

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1. Thank Us for Thanksgiving

2. Plenty More Kennedys Where Those Came From

3. As Nice As Canada, With Lower Taxes

4. Got Cod?

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5. Sports Capital of the Upper-Right Hand Corner of America

6. There is No T in Massachusetts (joke)

7. It All Started Here, Alas

8. Six Years Since the Last House Speaker Indictment!

9. “Dirty Water”: More Than a Song, A State of Mind

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10. Dude, We’re a Commonwealth!

11. We Ditched the Tea Party 200 Years Ago

12. Massachusetts; Love it and Leave It! (This campaign will feature the seemingly endless list of A-level achievers, e.g. Conan O’Brien, the filmy Afflecks, Mindy Kaling, and Edgar Allan Poe, who have made good by moving out. Indeed, if you don’t have a sinecure at a major university or at a metropolitan newspaper, the question arises: What are you doing here?)

Here is my lucky 13th suggestion that will doubtless win me a well-deserved bagful of simoleons:

13. America’s Olympic State*

* Not So Fast, Pal

Alex Beam’s column appears regularly in the Globe. He can be reached at alexbeam@hotmail.com.

Correction: An earlier version of this column misspelled simoleons.