In Hillary Clinton’s inner circle, it’s common knowledge that there are times she’s so low-energy that she blanks out for hours. When that happens, she is given to strange mental spells during which she has little or no control over what she says and does. She sometimes mutters things no one can understand.
My colleagues in the mainstream media are covering all this up, but the time has come to speak out. We simply can't elect a president subject to such mysterious health issues.
What's that you say?
It's just that she . . . sleeps at night, like the rest of us.
Oh. Ahem. Well, never mind that, then. There are plenty of other health problems to worry about. For instance, I hear from Donald Trump that Hillary simply doesn't have his stamina — and that's troubling indeed, since he often does as many as one campaign event a day, before flying home to spend the night in Trump Tower.
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And no less an expert than Rudy Giuliani, the man once known as "America's primary-care physician," has referred us all to the Internets to check up on her health.
Nor is he the only one. Just the other day, I heard that Congressman Sean Duffy, who may not be a medical expert like Dr. Giuliani, but who has served as a commentator on log-rolling and other lumberjack games, told CNN’s Brianna Keilar that you can go on the Internets and watch “all kind of video where she is having coughing attacks.”
And so it was that I found myself watching some of these videos.
They are nothing if not disturbing. In one, Clinton had quite an extended coughing jag and had to drink some water and pop a lozenge into her mouth. (Full disclosure: I've had some of those attacks myself, in certain seasons when the Russians make all the pollen come down the trees, so we'll all get caught up sneezing and be distracted from the way they're snaffling Crimea away from Ukraine and the like.)
I know, I know, Clinton's doctor actually says she is in good health. But she hasn't been out on the Internets the way I have, to learn from people who don't know her and haven't examined her and so are more objective about these things.
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Here's what I've learned: Clinton suffers from weird seizures, psychotic facial tics, and strange lesions on her tongue — and the question is whether it's all caused by brain damage or narcissistic personality disorder. Or even drug abuse. Or syphilis.
Now you can say, Scot, that's the sort of cross-eyed crazy stuff you hear from Alex Jones and Infowars and Paul Joseph Watson, but I'm telling you, this is serious! Why, some of it has even been explored on Sean Hannity's Fox News show, and if there's anyone who understands odd behavior that can result from intellectual impairment, it's Sean.
So we Americans must rise as one and demand that President Obama appoint a special medical prosecutor to look into Clinton's health. I'm talking a CAT scan, an MRI, drug and alcohol and rabies tests, the works. Especially that one where they tap your knee with a little hammer to see if your leg jerks, because if Clinton's can't do that, she won't be able to kick Angela Merkel under the table if Angela drinks a little too much Riesling at one of those big meetings world leaders have and starts bragging to Mr. Putin about all the spies we have in Moscow.
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It all has to be done in the next month or so, so we Americans will know who is right, Clinton's doctors or the real experts.
And if Clinton won't cooperate? Well, Congress has to make it clear that if she's elected and so much as misses a day of work for any health reason except catching a common cold, it will be considered an impeachable offense.
Scot Lehigh can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @GlobeScotLehigh.