Now that he’s out of the White House, Steve Bannon is free to pursue his secret passion project: the creative side of Trump TV. The channel is introducing its fall “Many Sides TV” lineup in hopes of counteracting what it calls, “that preachy Norman Lear brand of television America thinks is so great.” Here’s what we imagine might be in the works:
“The Amazing Race” — A revamp of the popular global competition, now simply a roundtable discussion, led by Bannon and various Cabinet officials.
“Whitish” — A tension-filled drama of a blended family in which the mother, a successful white doctor, is married to her “white” husband who learned years ago, through his 23andMe test, that he is 0.5 percent “impure.”
“The Jefferson Davises” — George and Wheezy Jefferson Davis land a fancy new apartment in Atlanta, where he runs a successful “Whites Only” dry-cleaning service. Hilarity ensues as patrons mistake the store’s policy as being racist, while George insists it’s just that they only clean garments without color.
“Get Back on the Boat” — Thriller set on the high seas as we follow a Border Patrol agent deployed on a Coast Guard vessel.
“Designated Survivor” — A review of the previous week’s comings and goings, OK, mostly goings from the White House’s West Wing.
“Lost” — Our version of the famous “Yule Log,” but instead of a burning fireplace, we play Christmas carols as we scroll a list of districts Hillary lost.
“The Big Bang Theory” — Alt-right virgins sit around a Boy Scout campfire and share their theories about what they think sex will be like.
“The White Shadow” — Weekly installments will instruct viewers on how best to utilize his or her — just kidding! — his Tiki torch to create desired effects such as: chest enhancement, facial hair augmentation, and ways to make it look like there are more of you at a rally than there actually are.
“Blindspot” — A Republican senator is discovered in the Members’ Dining Room with food stains covering his tie that hold the clue as to where he’s been while his constituents have been trying to reach him and his colleagues have been trying to pressure him.
“Flip or Flop” — A detailed look at official positions on issues and when politicians “turned.”
“Dancing Wearing Stars” — Dance competition in which participants dress as their favorite Confederate general.
“The Odd Couple” — On Aug. 18, Steve Bannon was asked to remove himself from his place of employment. That request came from his boss. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his colleague Anthony Scaramucci. Several days earlier the boss had thrown The Mooch out, requesting that he never return. Can a disgraced ideologue and a potty-mouthed natty dresser share an apartment together without driving each other crazy? We’ll #%*in’ see! Special guest stars: Reince Preibus and Sean Spicer as wacky neighbors, the Eagle Brothers.
Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.