INTERIOR, LARGE HALL LIKE HOLLYWOOD’S DOLBY THEATRE — NIGHT
The auditorium is lit with a pale red glow. The seats are filled with spectral figures in tuxedos and gowns, figures whose facial features are hard to discern.
DISEMBODIED FEMALE VOICE
And the award for best performance by a sexual predator masquerading as a Hollywood good guy goes to . . . Harvey Weinstein.
(Looking like a caveman who has suddenly awakened to find himself in the modern era, he takes the stage.)
Wow. I’m stunned that I’m suddenly getting all this recognition for what I’ve done. I mean, there are so many other worthy competitors here in Hollywood. I . . . I want to mention those legends on whose shoulders I stand on, men like Louis B. Mayer and Roman Polanski. And of course, Bill Cosby.
I want to thank all the stars who believed in me, actors and actresses who, though they may have heard I could be a nightmare to work with, kept appearing in my films. That helped make all this possible, the way Hollywood sticks together.
I also want to acknowledge my protégés who have been carrying on this tradition, particularly those male-method actors Ben and Casey Affleck. I’m old enough to be their father, but honestly, it’s like we’re fraternity brothers.
Oh damn, I almost forgot my wife. Georgina? Georgina? Where is she? Lindsay Lohan, could you please go find her and bring her up here? She could be in the ladies’ room, weeping. Recognition like this can be overwhelming for your family.
I should also mention President Trump. When he heard I was in the running for this, Donald said he wasn’t at all surprised. Coming from a fellow actor like him, that really counts for something. I mean, he’s a guy who knows what he wants and who just walks right up and grabs it.
(The wrap-it-up music starts, softly at first. Weinstein appears not to notice.)
Some say that guys like us, our era is over. That times have changed. Tell that to the president of the United States! One of ours in the White House; it makes all of us Hollywood risk-takers so proud. And there’s another awfully skilled guy out there, trained in our technique. Yes, that’s right, Bill Clinton, the Man from Grope. Um, Hope. I just wish Donald and Bill could be here to share the stage with me.
(The wrap-it-up music grows louder and more insistent. Weinstein ignores it.)
Anyway, like I said, this shouldn’t just be about me. I’m merely part of a grand Hollywood tradition, a legacy we men have preserved and passed down from one generation to the next.
(The music suddenly changes to the portents of doom in the final scene of “Don Giovanni.” Weinstein looks startled, then frowns.)
Just give me a minute to wrap up.
(The lights go out. Weinstein can no longer be seen. All that is visible are the ghostly figures in the audience, their eyes glowing like coals.)
What the hell? I’m Harvey Weinstein, and I’m almost done.
DISEMBODIED FEMALE VOICE
You are all done, Harvey Weinstein. All done.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this year’s LECHER — Lascivious Exploitative Creep Harassing Employees Regularly — Awards. Although we wish this was our final awards ceremony, no doubt we’ll be back next year.Scot Lehigh can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @GlobeScotLehigh.