Forget Black Friday. This year we’re celebrating Green Friday. We have democracy-buster deals that we’re going to show you so quickly, then vote on and make into law, that you won’t have any time to react, let alone call and protest. And you probably won’t notice them anyway, because we’re delivering them the exact week you’re either packing to go away, getting the house ready for visitors, or relitigating past family grievances. Hurry for these incredible, truly unbelievable offers!
We’re slashing so many deductibles that we look like Edward Scissorhands. State income tax deduction? Slashed! Local income tax deduction? Gone! Mortgage interest deduction? Say bye-bye! We’re holding nothing back! (Except your financial futures!) Everything must go!
Are you a graduate student? Then we have something very special for you! Put those smarty-pants brain cells to work even before your first paycheck as you attempt to calculate your tuition waivers as income! Then try to find a high paying job. Stop freaking out! You can do it. You are complain-to-the-professor-4.0-is-too-low-for-me-GPA brainiacs, remember?
We’re also getting a jump on Cyber Monday! Our new St. Petersburg-based Facebook friends, working with Equifax, have a special surprise. Hand over your credit card details — don’t forget your birthdate and Social Security numbers (LOLZ, as if we don’t already have these!) and they’ll shop for you! Why waste all that time pointing and clicking and scrolling? After harvesting your tastes by tracking your moves across the Internet, scanning your eye movements, and eavesdropping on you both via your in-home virtual assistant and reading your e-mails, they’ll pick out exactly what you want! And with our special “Unlocked Delivery” hacked key devices, they’ll both bring them into your home and then have somebody else steal them, all while you spend your pre-holiday time colluding with friends. Or, if you’d like, because they’re eight hours ahead, they can do it all while you sleep!
Feeling lucky? Try Special Counsel Mueller’s Mystery Democracy Saving game. Tear it open to see if one, two, or three members of the Trump campaign will be indicted next!
That’s not all! Look for our last minute e-mail-only red tag “deals and steals” from our good friends at Wikileaks.
And yoo-hoo, Rich Uncle Pennybags, we didn’t forget you! We’ve saved our best for last. Here’s the deal: you continue doing absolutely nothing, and we’ll make sure you never have to worry about paying “your fair share” of estate taxes again — ha-ha! Just kidding! We know you don’t “worry” about money like those peasants flying commercial. Just invite over the Prices and the Mnuchins, throw another packet of vintage thousand dollar bills passed down from Grand-papa on the fire to keep warm, and we’ll do the rest!
Special November offer — today! For a limited time only! Buy the excuses of one Senate candidate accused of sexual misconduct and get a dozen morally bankrupt leaders for free! Act now for bonus tweets and on-camera statements and dozens of other outrages that are almost impossible to believe!Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.