The State of the Union, according to Trump

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President Trump addresses a joint session of Congress on Feb. 28, 2017.
President Trump addresses a joint session of Congress on Feb. 28, 2017.(Jim Lo Scalzo)

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I got a lot of pressure from my base not to come here. They're not thrilled with the title, State of the Union. They think it only tells one side.

It's nice to see some of you. Nobody has the flu? They tell me we're having the worst flu season. Feel free to cough on Robert Mueller if you see him.

First, I'll introduce my people in the gallery. Other presidents usually bring such depressing people: a widow, someone who was injured. But I brought ordinary, everyday people. Meet Binky and Jay from the club. Binky's father's father owned one of the nation's first clean asbestos mines. They grew up on the same block and for 20 years, Jay's morning nanny was Binky's afternoon cook! We wanted to bring her, too, but ICE deported her last week.


Last year, they were paying such high taxes for entitlements for people they didn't even know. But thanks to my program, Me First, and this Congress, they'll pay next to nothing this year!

We're doing so much with the Department of the Interior. By the way, why don't they rename it? It should be called the Department of the Exterior, because it's all about the outside. I'm adding a new position, Secretary of Reversing Things, so, sitting next to Binky and Jay is someone with lots of experience putting things in reverse, ex-Exxon Valdez captain Joe Hazelwood.

They say I don't want people enjoying our parks and our outdoor spaces. Not true. To encourage people to spend more time outdoors, we're bringing back wholesome, athletic lawn darts! They also say we don't care about kids' nutrition, but right now we're working with peanut farmers to provide every classroom, playground, and school cafeteria with healthy, American peanuts.

Ladies, when was the last time you got excellent height in your hair? I'm talking Amy Winehouse beehive? Good news, we've been making some deals, and it looks like we'll be bringing back glorious aerosol cans. And, stay tuned, we're close on Red Dye No. 2, both in time for Valentine's Day!


You know, there's a very popular movie out now, "I, Tonya" about being unfairly accused. Up in the gallery, welcome our kind of people, skater Tonya Harding, and her lovely mother. When I hear an athlete say "take a knee," I'll think of you.

Finally, you may have heard I was in Davos. Great country. Only billionaires. The travel office said Switzerland was known for its modeling. Turns out, it was a typo. They invented yodeling. Melania could have come along, after all.

But I brought you all back a souvenir. To remind you of my infrastructure goals, and to be more like Oprah, look under your seats! Everyone gets a Swiss Army knife! Only we're renaming them Freedom Wands! Also, as long as you're under there, if you could tighten up any loose bolts. God Bless America!

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.