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    SCOT LEHIGH

    Middle-age laments: No lawyer, no porn star

    FILE - In this Feb. 11, 2007, file photo, Stormy Daniels arrives for the 49th Annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. President Donald Trump's personal attorney says he paid $130,000 out of his own pocket to a porn actress who allegedly had a sexual relationship with Trump in 2006.
    Matt Sayles/Associated Press/File
    President Trump’s personal attorney says he paid $130,000 out of his own pocket to porn star Stormy Daniels.

    Today I have two admissions to make, knowing full well that both are tantamount to a confession that I’ve fallen short of the stature we all hope to achieve when first starting out in this cruel and unforgiving world.

    I don’t have a lawyer. And I’ve never had an affair with a porn star.

    Let’s admit it: In the quiet moments when you compare your accomplishments to figures much in the news, those are missing milestones.

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    After all, who among us wouldn’t like to say: “Keep that up and you’ll be hearing from my lawyer”? Or: “Lunch next month? Sounds OK, but first I have to run it by my lawyer.”

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    But I have neither a lawyer nor a porn star paramour for him to pay off. Which is probably a good thing. Lawyers are expensive. And I’m not sure I’d be unabashed or, ah, energetic enough for a porn star affair.

    I’m struck by two things about modern porn stars. First, they seem to have very few inhibitions about appropriateness of place when a mood of sensual whimsey visits. No Victorian velleity there. No indeed. One minute, they are sitting in their office, all proper and professional, working on the corporate books. Then someone attractive happens by and in the blink of an eye, they are naked as the eyes of a clown and porning it up like nobody’s business, right there on the desk, atop all the corporate forms.

    Second, having an affair with a porn star appears to take the kind of extended aerobic commitment that can cause cardiac events in men my age.

    I know, I know, you probably don’t believe my denial. No doubt you’re thinking: Scot, with all the glitz and glamor that accompanies writing about fiscal policy and educational improvement efforts and parking-spot-shoveling rules for a struggling regional newspaper, porn stars must be throwing themselves at your feet. You’re not fessing up because you’re married, and publicly acknowledging an affair with any porn star, let alone one as pornographically accomplished as Stormy Daniels, might prove unconducive to domestic felicity.

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    Well, OK, believe me or don’t, it’s up to you.

    But trust me when I say that if ever I did have a bout of acrobatic erotic activity with a toothsome adult-film type, I certainly would want to have the kind of lawyer that President Trump has in Michael D. Cohen. That is, someone who, at the first intimation of trouble on the distant porn-affair horizon, would hie himself thither and pay the relevant porn star $130,000 out of his own pocket to set things right. Even if, according to me, there had never been anything wrong to begin with. And who, after taking responsibility for that payment, would then clam up, declaring there was nothing more to be said.

    How do you locate such a lawyer, however? I have one friend who teaches constitutional law, another who’s an expert in estate planning. But there’s no constitutional right to a porn-star affair (time for another constitutional convention!). I suppose if my wife suspected me of having one, an estate lawyer might prove necessary. However, I want the kind of lawyer who would keep that information from coming to light in the first place.

    On TV, it’s easy to find an attorney determined to get you the payout you deserve for a wrongful injury. But there’s never a TV ad where a lawyer who comes on, winks, and says: “Have a little porn-star-on-the-side problem? Well, call us at Liester and Denyster. Our motto says it all: ‘Shhhh.’ ”

    Sadly, I myself will probably never need a porn-star-affair-suppression attorney. Still, it’s an area aspiring young barristers might want to specialize in. After all, think how proud you’d be to say you had the president as your client!

    Scot Lehigh can be reached at lehigh@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @GlobeScotLehigh.

    Correction: A previous version of this column misidentified Donald Trump’s lawyer.