A Lighter Take | Debra A. Klein

Firepower for the faculty: How will teachers be trained to handle their new weapons?

In this Thursday, March 1, 2018, photo a Smith & Wesson M&P 15 Sport rifle chambered in 5.56 mm is shown in front of a rack of other rifles at Duke's Sport Shop in New Castle, Pa. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)
AP Photo/Keith Srakocic
After the Parkland, Fla. shooting, public officials are engaged in a national debate about arming teachers.

Demonstrating in more ways than one that they have limited first-hand experience with classroom learning, the Florida state Senate voted to train and arm the most docile school personnel — drama coaches, librarians and counselors — people whose most aggressive activities are staging elaborate fantasies on sets made of crepe paper, offering tissues at well-timed intervals, and engaging in vigorous whispering. To toughen up these non-combatants, Operation Recess Rambo will fund training films designed to re-awaken their long-dormant testosterone and unleash their full fury. Fortunately, the NRA’s Charlton Heston Studios have produced several for their Teacher Training Academy:

“Interlibrary Loan Ranger” — It’s been three days since Will put that book he needs on reserve . . . and that’s three days too many! He’s ready to take matters into his own hands, and this time, it’s going to call for a lot more than a sternly worded e-mail to the circulation manager. Featuring the catchphrase, “That’s Dewey Decible System, Loser!”

“Annie, Get My Gun” — Mr. M’s spring spectacular sales were lagging, until he found a way to, shall we say, “incentivize” his potential audience. Featuring the re-worked, “You Can Get A Man, Or Really, Anything You Want, With A Gun.” A new twist on the classic!


“Goodbye, Mr. Chips. Well, Hello, Messrs. Smith and Wesson” — A beloved, but milquetoasty teacher is replaced by two new studs, and they definitely have pistols in their pockets.

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“Moderately Paced and Furious” — Dr. Sylvia has had just about enough of Coach Helfer parking in her “Reserved for School Psychologist” space in the teachers’ lot. Today is the day she’s seriously thinking about saying something. And she just may have to put money in the Swear Jar!

“Look Who’s Talking . . . Four?!” — She’s told them three times to keep their voices down, and stop the horseplay, but now Mrs. Davis has “had it up to here” — she runs a library, not a playground! Plays with the music department instructional films, “The Silencer of the Jams” and “Mr. Holland’s Scope Is.”

“The Big Chill” — Coach Crocker clearly marked his new Tupperware container with a sticky note with his name on it, yet when they cleared out the fridge in the Teachers’ Lounge before the long weekend, someone threw it away. He’s so angry, he’s thinking of not passing out Pep Squad buttons this week!

“Ratatatatouille” — Erin, the cafeteria lady, is taking aim at boring lunches.


“School of Rocks” and “A Breakfast Club” — While the NRA knows firepower is best, these shorts demonstrate why it’s still always smart to have a backup plan, just in case.

Debra A. Klein’s column appears regularly in the Globe. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIhadTyped.