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President Trump’s favorite day is here, The “I’d”s of March: I’d like to fire him; If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her, and of course, I’d like everyone to march in a big parade just for me.

He’s already gotten a jump on the day associated with Shakespeare and betrayal by firing two people, including Rex Tillerson, about whom he said, “he’ll be much happier now,” as though confusing the human with a dog name with an actual pet who “had” to be put down. He’s also dangling a Wile E. Coyote anvil over a third, fourth, and fifth and may even be looking in to whether he can fire Britain’s defense secretary, Gavin Williamson, who just told Russian to “go away” and “shut up.”

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Early in the week, he managed to cram in a cross-country overnighter and invent a new spelling of Marine Corps that suggests it’s the latest Ben and Jerry seaweed plugged pint of ice cream.

It all makes a good case for some sort of personality screening for future presidents. Corporations routinely do it. So on the Ides, here is a sample test to avoid any future presidential surprises, The ID Assessment:

Self Reporting

How strongly do you agree with the following statements?

1. I’m happier in a room full of good-looking people who have no idea what they’re doing but who agree with me, than I am among highly intelligent, skilled experts who are maybe “4”s in the looks department, max.

2. Process and thought just get in the way of my instincts.

3. If I say it, it must be so.

Executive Decision-making

When’s the ideal time to fire someone?

1. When he’s on the brink of retirement.

2. When he’s overseas/out of town.

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3. When he can still pick up a gig on St. Patrick’s Day as a Leprechaun.

4. I’d like to confer with my body man on this, oh, wait.

Let’s say you run a major international airline; what is not just “an” effective way, but “the most” effective way to alienate customers?

1. Cram them into smaller and smaller seats.

2. Nickel and dime them for “luxuries” such as on-board oxygen, use of the lavatory, on-time arrivals.

3. Kill and/or lose their dogs.

Mathematical Reasoning

What is the next number in this sequence: $31,561, $43,000, $130,000, _ _ _ _?

Verbal/Cabaret Skills

Complete this lyric: “Don’t know why, there’s no sun up in the sky _ _ _ _ _ _ weather.”


Debra A. Klein is a writer. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.