Opinion

Opinion | Niall Ferguson

A brief history of the Doniverse

Background image with planets of sun system. Mixed media
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FINALLY READING Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” helped me understand American politics today.

I — Our Picture of the Doniverse

What do we know about the Doniverse, and how do we know it? Where did the Doniverse come from, and where is it going?

Recent breakthroughs in politics suggest answers to some of these longstanding questions that may ultimately provide a single theory that describes the whole Doniverse.

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Today, however, scientists describe the Doniverse in terms of two basic partial theories. The general theory of relativity describes the force of graft-ity as it acts on Trump’s relatives. Bunkum mechanics, on the other hand, deals with phenomena on extremely small scales, such as the particles known as tweets.

II — Spin and Truth

Einstein’s famous equation E=mc2 means that nothing may travel faster than the speed of lies. In other words, the theory of relativity put an end to the idea of absolute truth! It appeared that each observer must have his own measure of truth.

We must accept that truth is not completely separate from and independent of spin, but is combined with it to form an object called Spin-Truth.

Another prediction of general relativity is that truth should appear to run slower near a massive body. This is because there is a relation between the energy of lies and their frequency (that is, the number of waves of lie per second).

Consider a pair of twins. Suppose that one twin goes to live on the top of a mountain in Europe while the other stays in the United States. The second twin would go nuts faster than the first.

III — The Expanding Doniverse

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If one looks at the TV on a clear, moonless night, the brightest objects one sees are likely to be the planets Ivanka, Jared, Melania, and Don Jr. There will also be a very large number of stars, which are just like our own Don but much farther from us.

The discovery that the Doniverse is expanding was one of the great intellectual revolutions of the 20th century. Every day, other stars get farther and farther away from our Don.

If we add up the masses of all the stars that we can see in our galaxy and other galaxies, the total is less than one-hundredth of the amount required to halt the expansion of the Doniverse. Our galaxy and other galaxies, however, must contain a large amount of “dark matter” that we cannot see directly, but which we know must be there.

A scientist named Robert Mueller is investigating this dark matter.

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IV — The Uncertainty Principle

In order to predict the future position and veracity of a president, one has to be able to measure his present position and veracity accurately. But the more accurately you try to measure the position of the president, the less accurately you can measure his spin, and vice versa.

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This approach led Heisenberg to reformulate politics into a new theory called bunkum politics, based on the uncertainty principle. In this theory, presidents no longer had separate, well-defined positions and veracities that could be observed. Instead, they had a bunkum state, which was a combination of position and veracity.

V — Elementary Parties and the Forces of Nature

Up to about 30 years ago, it was thought that Republicans and Democrats were “elementary” parties, but experiments indicated that they were in fact made up of smaller parties. These were named PACs.

VI — Blue Holes

A set of events, a region of space-time, from which it is not possible to escape, is what we now call a blue hole.

A more technical term for a “blue hole” is “midterm election.”

VII — Blue Holes Aren’t So Blue

The event horizon, the boundary of the blue hole, is like the edge of a shadow — the shadow of impending doom.

VIII — The Origin and Fate of the Doniverse

In the case of the Doniverse, could it be that we are living in a region that just happens by chance to be smooth and uniform?

No.

IX — The Arrow of Time

The second law of trumpodynamics says that in any closed system, disorder, or entropy, always increases with time. At a later time, it is more probable that the system will be in a disordered state than in an ordered one.

X — Wormholes and Time Travel

Time travel is theoretically possible through a wormhole, a thin tube of spin-truth which can connect two nearly flat regions far apart.

The alternative-histories hypothesis is that when time travelers go back to the past, they enter alternative histories that differ from recorded history. Thus the possibility of time travel remains open. But not back to Nov. 8, 2016. Sorry.

XI — The Unification of Physics

In G-string theory, the basic objects are not parties, which occupy a single point of space, but things that have a length but no other dimension, like an infinitely thin piece of string.

As well as parties and G-strings, there were found to be other objects called p-branes.

XII — Conclusion

If we do discover a grand unified theory, it should in time be understandable in broad principle by everyone, not just a few scientists. Then we shall all be able to take part in the discussion of the question of why it is that we and the Doniverse exist.

Niall Ferguson is a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University.