Citizens of Massachusetts will be pleased to note that today I offered myself to Governor Patrick for consideration as a future member of his Cabinet. I assured him that not only are my skills lacking in any kind of expertise, but that my employment background is, at best, borderline criminal and highly toxic should it ever become public.
I took great pains to allay any concerns he might have regarding my suitability for whatever post he might consider me for: I have no suitability, and will do whatever it takes to ensure that it stays that way.
Fellow citizens, fear not. Whether it be drug labs, highway safety, public housing, or parole boards, I am willing, able, and magnificently unqualified to serve.