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JOE SULLIVAN | ON HORSE RACING

There’s something wrong with every horse in the Kentucky Derby

Will Louisiana Derby winner Gun Runner make noise at Churchill Downs?Andy Lyons/Getty Images

The Kentucky Derby at Churchhill Downs is May 7 on NBC, post time approximately 6:44 p.m. The rundown, so to speak:

Here’s what I know is true: A 3-year-old colt will win the Kentucky Derby May 7. Which one? I’m not sure yet and I’m might never be sure because at this point I don’t think any horse is capable of winning.

After overloading on news stories, opinion pieces, and podcasts, I’m convinced they all stink. There’s something wrong with all 20 of them. Consider these facts (The horses are in Kentucky points order from first to 20):

Gun Runner: The Louisiana Derby winner doesn’t measure up in speed figures but apparently he also makes noise when he’s running like Maria Sharapova when she returns serve. That might be a problem, I’m told.

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Nyquist: Undefeated, but not that fast according to the speed figures, and his workouts aren’t that fast either. His trainer, Doug O’Neill, is nefarious. Let’s just say if he was in the Patriots organization he’s been good friends with Jim McNally.

Exaggerator: It doesn’t matter that he was impressive in winning the Santa Anita Derby, the race was run on a muddy track. He’ll never repeat that on a fast track.

Outwork: Not that fast and trainer Todd Pletcher is trying to change his running style; he doesn’t want him to be a front-runner. That never works out.

Brody’s Cause: Another one with slow speed figures; he just kind of clunks along at one speed without the acceleration needed to win a Derby.

Creator: The correct scenario will have to be created for him to have a chance, that is, a fast early pace.

Lani: He’s raced in Japan and Dubai, nobody wins the Derby like that. Besides when he’s on the track for workouts his hormones are raging like a 14-year-old boy who just discovered girls.

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Mor Spirit: This is the best chance for trainer Bob Baffert, who trained last year’s Triple Crown winner American Pharoah. Back-to-back is highly doubtful.

Mohaymen: He surrendered willingly in the Florida Derby, but his trainer is raving about him. His workouts have been fast, but he seems uncontrollable at times, a wild horse. Plus he’s too small, can’t put on weight. He needs to drink milk shakes. Wait, maybe not.

Danzing Candy: He’ll take the early lead and no one wins the Derby like that.

Destin: His last race was March 12; NO ONE wins the Derby like that but that’s the formula the owner thinks will work. He’s an analytics guy: Doesn’t he know that’s passé. He must not follow the Red Sox.

Suddenbreakingnews: The name will never fit in a headline so he can’t win. Please don’t win.

Oscar Nominated: Slow, very slow so an Armani saddlecloth is not necessary for the red carpet.

Shagaf: Has only faced top competition once and didn’t measure up.

Whitmore: Most likely, he’ll be in the money but he’s never won a stakes race.

Tom’s Ready: Owned by New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson (as is Mo Tom); Benson’s only been involved in horse racing for a short time; he couldn’t possibly win with his first Derby starter.

My Man Sam: This is the so-called wise guy horse (which means the veteran Racing Form readers). That never works.

Majesto: People can’t decide if it’s pronounced MA-HESTO or MA-JESTO. Too much confusion for the announcer. Plus he’s only won one race.

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Trojan Nation: He’s NEVER won a race. One doesn’t start doing that on the First Saturday in May.

Mo Tom: Always has traffic problems like he’s driving on the Southeast Expressway. The trainer, Tom Amoss, bawled out the rider, Corey Lanerie, right in front of the stands the last time but is still using him in the Derby. Destined for a breakdown around Neponset Circle (or the quarter pole).


Joe Sullivan can be reached at joseph.sullivan@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @GlobeSullivan