The party was over. I believe this was a reasonable assessment, because it was 3:10 a.m. on New Year’s Day. Even West Coast denizens were probably stifling yawns. I had successfully and in a tipsy state hosted another holiday party without trying to make out with the Christmas tree. Don’t give me that look; it can happen. As lingering friends picked over the maimed remnants of the buche de Noel and dissected the events of the evening, I began to hear my mattress murmuring my name from the bedroom.
Unfortunately, the fuzzy afterglow didn’t last long. The doorbell buzzed and in strolled three friends of friends. I had never met these women, but it didn’t stop them from making themselves and their seasonally inappropriate miniskirts at home. They presumptuously began pouring themselves drinks and complaining about the poor food selection. Did I mention it was 3 a.m.?
Apologies for the hackneyed term, but I would call these ladies guests from hell. Technically, they were from Worcester, but as uninvited party guests, they were breaking every rule imaginable. I offered them some dried-up goat cheese and my most polite “I want to go to bed” glare, and they finally moved on to crash someone else’s party.
This is the time of year when guests can annoy otherwise gregarious holiday hosts and hosts are prone to make fun-killing mistakes. As someone who throws an annual New Year’s Eve party — and has attended more parties than I’d care to admit — I’ve compiled a mental how-to book on the subject. What works and doesn’t work in the universe of hosting or attending holiday parties?
I thought you’d never ask.
FOR THE HOST
Food
People will politely ask “What should I bring?” expecting that you’ll demurely respond with something sweet such as “Just your handsome face.” If you have a friend who burns toast, the proper answer is “Just your handsome face.” Otherwise, don’t waste this prime opportunity to lighten your workload.
Give guests an assignment. Sure, they may appear put off by your forthrightness, but once the idea sinks in, trust me, they’ll embrace it — or, at worst, talk smack behind your back. Make a list of what you’re planning to serve at your party, so that when the inevitable question arises, you have an answer at the ready.
Never serve hummus or salsa. After about an hour, a bowl of hummus resembles dried cat vomit and a bowl of salsa that sits out for more than an hour will start emitting an odor stronger than any balsam candle.
Keep all your food bite-sized. If not, you’ll have a room full of dieting Debbies cutting their cupcakes in half, saying, “I couldn’t possibly eat the whole thing.” You know they’ll be back to finish off the other half in minutes, or, worse, the discarded half will sit on your lovely platter and grow stale.
Music
Some of us are burdened with friends who fancy themselves DJs, but if they share your musical sensibilities, enlist those wannabe David Guettas to prepare an hourlong play-list. If you have several friends in this category, ask them all. It will stroke their egos, save you money on downloads, and liven up the musical variety at your party.
For a Christmas party, stay away from an entire night of themed music. By the time holiday party season comes around, no one wants to hear “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” again. Come to think of it, I don’t think anyone wants to hear that song ever again.
Catering
If you have the cash, by all means hire someone to prepare those Kobe beef sliders and butternut soup shots with crispy pancetta. However, I derive a certain amount of pride in preparing party food myself. It’s OK to supplement your table with dishes from friends or some store-bought treats, but guests will appreciate the effort of homemade.
And if you have the budget, hire someone to come in the next day to clean. Remember, it’s easier to pour red wine for your guests than it is to get the red wine stains out of your carpets the morning after.
Drinks
You can economize all you like on decorations, your outfit, or the Swedish meatballs, but do not cut corners on booze. There’s nothing wrong with having too much vodka, rum, gin, or whiskey on hand. It won’t go bad. Store it away and serve it at your next party — or finish it off yourself while watching a heart-wrenching Hallmark Channel classic such as 2004’s Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus, starring Steve Guttenberg.
Greet your guests with a glass of bubbly. Keep a full bar of spirits, mixers, wine, and beer at a self-service station, and unless you have fancy friends, don’t bother slicing up lemons and limes — no one wants fruit getting in the way of their libations.
Never serve your party drinks in a martini glass. One dramatic gesture and that peppermint-tini will slosh over the side of the glass like a rogue wave. By the end of the night, you’ll have a sticky, minty mess to contend with.
The best investment you can make is a giant punch bowl. A full punch bowl becomes the focus of any party. I always make an ice mold by alternating layers of fruit juice in a Bundt cake pan, adding each layer after the previous has frozen, then float it in the bowl. Make it clear to guests that they should not be shy about dumping any hooch lying about into the bowl when it starts getting low. The result might resemble a sangria-like punch, fortified with all those bottles of wine that guests will bring.
Invitations
Let your guests know at least a month in advance that your party is happening — Friday and Saturday nights in December fill up quickly. Don’t expect guests to stay at your party all night, no matter how fabulous you think it will be. Party hopping is completely acceptable at the holidays. If you want guests to plant themselves at your home, make it clear in advance. If you’re serving a full buffet at 8 p.m., followed by a string quartet performance in your living room at 9, don’t beat around the Hanukkah bush. Spell it out in the invite.
FOR THE GUEST
Attire
I’m a former style writer, and people constantly ask me what they should wear to holiday parties. The first thing I always tell them is to wear something comfortable. Audition that outfit before you attend a party.
We all want to buy something new and swanky for these events, but this can backfire. That cozy wool turtleneck could turn out to be as comfortable as wearing a colony of fire ants for three hours. Test it. Likewise, sequins could molt from your glittering new cardigan. Wear it around the house for an hour before a party and you might just spare yourself the embarrassment of shedding foreign objects into the clam dip.
Stay away from clothing that incorporates holiday colors, patterns, themes, or, well, holiday anything. Buy a party dress, not a holiday party dress. The same rule applies to ties, blazers, and sweaters.
Timing
Don’t show up to a party early. Ever. Unless you’ve cleared an early arrival time with your host, it will be uncomfortable for everybody. You’ll fumble around the kitchen asking “Is there anything I can do to help?” The answer your host would love to give is “Yes. Walk out the door and come back when the party starts.” The answer your host will likely give is “Not at all. Just sit there and make yourself comfortable.”
An experienced host will broadcast subtle but clear clues as to when the party is over. Sometimes it’s the gentle hum of the dishwasher, or perhaps no fresh logs will be placed on the fire. Pay attention. When your fellow attendees start asking for their coats, it’s a good time to consider leaving. If you really feel compelled to stay, offer to help clean.
Music
Unless the host specifically asks you to help with DJ responsibilities (See: For the Host — Music), don’t fiddle with the music. She could have been working for months on the perfect playlist. Even if you’re not in the mood to listen to Enya’s “And Winter Came,” smile graciously and just be thankful you were invited.
Bringing friends
This is an easy one: Don’t. If you’re entertaining out-of-town guests, they’re your responsibility. Parties are not a place for social piggybacking. Don’t put your host in an awkward position. He likely only made enough Jell-O shots for those on the guest list. Never deny invited party guests their fair share of holiday Jell-O shots.
Hostess or host gifts
You should already know not to show up empty-handed. The rest is up to you. Wine is the go-to gift for gatherings, but don’t be afraid to bring spirits, preferably something local or distinct. Package the booze in a fantastic wine bag. The kind that will be reused over and over. A fabulous bag can make up for the sin of bringing cheap wine. You may be tempted to bring flowers, but please save them for Mother’s Day. A holiday host likely doesn’t have time to take 30 coats, welcome everyone with a drink, and then start looking for vases to display flowers. When I have parties, every inch of table and counter is already occupied. It’s a lovely idea but not practical. If you want to bring a special gift, don’t make a fuss by dogging your host to open it when you arrive or make a show of presenting it when the other guests are around. The gift is about showing your appreciation, not tooting your own French horn.
In the event of a company party
One simple rule, people: Stay away. An office holiday party is perhaps the most fraught of all the seasonal gatherings — especially if it includes an open bar. Trust me, you don’t want to hear Sheila from accounting singing karaoke (nothing personal, Sheila) or Bob from sales, after three too many gin and tonics, weeping about his recent breakup. If attendance is mandatory, get there early for the gossip, and get out quickly.
Worse, if there isn’t booze involved, the office party can turn into a quarterly meeting with festive cookies and sweater vests.
Christopher Muther is a travel writer and columnist for the Boston Globe. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.