Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski are gone. Bill Belichick has quarterbacks named Jarrett Stidham and Brian Hoyer. The Hoodie used his first draft pick on a player from that well-known football factory Lenoir-Rhyne. Patriots players and staffers are fleeing Foxborough. Belichick has no cap space and the toughest schedule in the NFL this year. USA Today has New England 19th in its latest power rankings.
Clearly, the Patriots are a shell of their former selves.
It’s almost as if Belichick is intentionally handicapping himself — like when Larry Bird pledged to take only lefthanded shots in a road win at Portland back in 1986.
How can Belichick be so Bird-like, cocky and calm, while the Patriot dynasty seems to be crumbling?
I give you three words: Bills, Dolphins, Jets.
Meet the New Tomato Cans. Same as the Old Tomato Cans. The Jets, Dolphins, and Bills are still Moe, Larry, and Curly. They are knuckleheads, porcupines, and lamebrains.
Have pity on those poor folks in Buffalo, Miami, and East Rutherford, N.J. They are naive, innocent, and foolish. The pathetic Bills Mafia and New York’s Fireman Ed actually think the Patriots are going to fall from their perch atop the AFC East this year. I am told there are also fans in Jupiter, Fla., strip malls who believe that the Dolphins can vault over the Patriots in 2020.
Silly. These are neophytes who believe that the shoe is on the other foot — that the Tomato Cans are on the other shelf — now that Brady is gone.
Please. Nothing changes in the AFC East . . . because Belichick is still coaching the Patriots and because stupidity still sells in Orchard Park, Miami Gardens, and Florham Park, N.J. The Belichick System will prevail, and Bills-Fish-Jets chaos will reign forever. You know it. Vegas knows it. Folks who work for the Bills, Dolphins, and Jets know it.
The Patriots have won the AFC East 11 straight times and in 16 of the last 17 NFL seasons. It’s 17 of 19 since Brady took over at quarterback.
The 2020 Patriots are not what they were, but it doesn’t matter because the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills are always reinventing themselves with new coaches and new quarterbacks.
From the time Brady took over at quarterback in 2001 through 2019, the Patriots have had one head coach. In that time, the Dolphins have had 10, the Bills nine, the Jets five.
In that time, the Bills and Dolphins each used 19 starting quarterbacks. The Jets started 16 men at the position.
Oh, and did somebody say playoffs? Since Brady and Belichick went to their first Super Bowl in 2001-02, the Bills and Dolphins have combined for ZERO playoff wins. Seriously. Zero. Nada. Zipski. The Big Doughnut.
The Bills’ last playoff victory was in 1995. The Fish last won a postseason game in 2000. The Jets last won a tournament game in 2010. That’s an aggregate 55 NFL seasons with no playoff wins for these three bums. And now we’re supposed to be scared of them just because Tom Brady is gone? I don’t think so.
The Bills went 10-6 last season and are the flavor of the month now that Brady is gone. Sorry. Not buying. Mistake-prone quarterback Josh Allen is not the answer. Allen is the Joe Kelly of NFL QBs and will lose his job to 167th draft pick Jake Fromm.
Meanwhile, based on what we saw from his choke job against the Texans in the playoffs in January, it’s safe to say that Bills coach Sean McDermott will dissolve whenever he looks across the field and sees the Hoodie. The Bills over the Patriots? I don’t think so.
Miami went 5-11 last year and now has a rookie quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa. Say no more. We know what Belichick does to rookie quarterbacks. Oh, and let’s not forget the Patriots’ 43-0 win at Miami last September.
The Jets? Do we really have to say anything here? Jets quarterback Sam Darnold told the world he was “seeing ghosts out there” when he tried to solve the Patriots defense on “Monday Night Football” in 2019. With Belichick as coach of the Patriots, the Jets are incapable of finishing ahead of New England in the AFC East.
Brady, Gronk, and others are gone, but Bill is still here. The system will prevail, and the Bills, Dolphins, and Jets forever will be gypsies, tramps, and thieves.
Tinker, Evers, and No Chance.
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at daniel.shaughnessy@globe.com. Follow him @dan_shaughnessy.