We’re looking for letters! Send your relationship question to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form.
Q. It all started a year ago when a woman started working with me. I had people telling me she was checking me out, but didn’t catch that myself. Then one day we made eye contact for the first time. It was like one of those movies. We both froze in place for what felt like minutes, but I’m sure it was only seconds.
A month later, circumstances led to us having to work closely together every day. We started talking regularly. She told me details of her personal life and I did the same. We progressively got more and more flirtatious. I could tell there was hesitation on her part because of her horrible experience with her ex from several years before. She did seem to get more comfortable with me though. Then the workplace drama started. People started teasing her about me and she got mad. She told someone in front of me that she had a boyfriend. When we were alone, I asked her if it was true and she said it was. I backed off.
After that, one of my friends at work told me she said she had to figure out how to tell me the truth because she missed talking to me. Never happened. Closest she came was blurting out a couple of random excuses out of the blue. She would get jealous if she saw me talking to other women, and eventually we began talking to each other as much as before. That’s how the dynamic stayed until recently.
On a couple of occasions, she has said things in front of a group that I’m sure were designed to hurt me. At this point, I just don’t know how to deal with her. Is there any way to salvage things with someone I just can’t get out of my head? I’m more confused than I would have been in junior high.
CONFUSING SIGNALS
A. This is messy and has involved a bunch of your co-workers. At this point, I’d keep it professional. Be respectful and a good colleague. Approach your work relationship with the information she’s given you — that she has a boyfriend and is uncomfortable when people make guesses about whether she has feelings for you.
She could have a boyfriend, right? Even if she doesn’t, she wants you — and others — to believe that. Backing off was the right move.
The thing is, if she wants more from you at this point, it should happen outside of work. She can ask you for quality time off the clock, or vice versa. You can say to her, “Hey, maybe we should talk about this when we’re not immersed in office stuff.” Once it’s not an office relationship, it might be easier to ask questions and get answers.
While you’re at work, assume nothing. Do not jump to the conclusion that she’s jealous. Do not decide she’s saying things to hurt you unless she’s told you that’s the case. Don’t believe any work gossip; it’s not true unless it comes from her. Again, if she wants to have more than the usual pleasantries on the job, tell her you’re free when the work day is over. If she asks about these boundaries, let her know you’ve decided it’s so much easier to pursue personal relationships on your own time.
You have to develop your own boundaries here. Hopefully people will follow your lead.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
She says things to intentionally hurt you in front of your co-workers, and she never told you she had a boyfriend until she was cornered. She is not even treating you like a friend, never mind a romantic prospect. Let it go, and when you have to deal with her keep it professional.
LUPALOU
Next time you have a crush, don’t flirt for months on end before asking her out. This “relationship” has run its course.
JACQUISMITH
Why would you want more with this confused, passive-aggressive person?
ZEPTEMBER-
This has junior high written all over it. Don’t jeopardize your job any further with this dalliance.
THEKIDSRALLRIGHT
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.