Q. I’m 45, she is 40. We met in 2018, at a concert of a band we both love (we are hardcore fans, know every song). It was during a tailgate in Ohio, after my friends and I parked next to her group. I was in a relationship at the time and she wasn’t, but we had a blast hanging out. We danced and sang all night. We exchanged Instagram info and stayed in touch here and there over the year. Then in 2019 we ended up together again — this time at a show in New York. At this point, she was in a relationship and I was single, but we had fun again. Then in 2020 we were both single, but COVID put a damper on any concerts. We stayed in touch, sometimes even daily, through text.
In 2021, we met up again in another city to see the band. I was in a new relationship and she was still single. Now in 2022 we are both single! We went to a show together, along with my friends and her friends, in late July. I think we both felt like “finally we can see if this is next-level stuff.” There is a mutual attraction, but I think we both unintentionally put each other in the friend-zone over the years. We have both talked to each other through life issues and relationships, so we know each other pretty well. We had fun at the show, but it was the same energy as the previous shows — platonic.
She lives a seven-hour drive away, but is moving close to where I live soon for work. We talked a few days after about how we both thought it would be different this year, with us able to do more than sing and dance. We wondered if this is the peak of our relationship and if we are just better off as friends. Neither one of us wants to force romance if it’s not there so we talked about going out alone, outside the concert and tailgating environment, when she is up near me next month.
But I am skeptical if going from friendship to a relationship is even possible, and I shared this with her. What do you think?
FANS
A. I think your plan is a good one. The live show environment is very distracting. There are zillions of people there (including close friends), and the two of you have perfected a routine that involves dancing, singing, and appreciating a band — as opposed to each other. At a quiet dinner, you could focus. You might even look different. A change in lighting, no concert attire ... the vibe would be new.
It might take a few dinners to figure out how you feel. You’re getting to know each other in person, outside of the parking lot, which might feel weird for a bit. Also, she’s about to adjust to a new home. It’s OK if the two of you want to table some decisions.
You know you want her in your life, and it sounds like she feels the same way. Be patient and let things unfold.
If you turn out to be friends, that’s great too. Platonic connections are important, and you could help her expand her community in a new place. Whatever happens, it seems to be a win.
But try leaving this open-ended. You’ve both had relationships, breakups, and big changes over four years. Changes in latitudes, changes in attitude, one might say. (Are we talking about Jimmy Buffett? Phish? Just guessing here.)
Don’t be skeptical or talk yourself out of this because relationships evolve all the time. Just wait.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You are talking and planning too much. Go out with her minus the group dynamic and see what is there.
SUNALSORISES
If it felt platonic when you were both single and you have to talk yourself into thinking there might be relationship potential, it’s probably not going to happen. Go on a date to get it over with, then you will know and can stop overanalyzing.
SOMEWHEREINMA
Why would you be skeptical about going from a friendship to a relationship? This is a normal path many couples take. I think the ubiquity of online dating plus rom-com nonsense of instant chemistry and sparks has warped people’s views. “Sparks” are just dopamine. It will wear off and sooner than you think. True connections often take time and are based on friendship first. Just hang out and see how it goes without any expectations. Good luck!
WARMACHINE
Which is it? Mutual attraction or platonic like the other shows? That’s the key. If there was mutual attraction then I don’t see any reason why that small flame can’t be reignited. I’m more concerned with you keeping in touch with another woman while you are in other relationships, but it seems you were always interested in her. Shouldn’t your relationship with her, while you were in other relationships, always have been platonic?
JSMUS
If it hasn’t happened in five years, it’s not going to happen. Seems both of you used the connection as a soft place to land between continual relationships. I would slowly ease out of the friendship and texting as it is preventing [you] from moving on.
AUNTTIGGYWINK
Just ask her to help you find your long-lost shaker of salt.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
^Salt, salt, salt.
DOGSKI
So, this was a Jimmy Buffet concert?
MHOUSTON01
^At their age, I’m going with something like Dave Mathews Band. Average parrot head age has to be 60s.
--SNOWMAN--
^Right, my kid is 42 and he loves DMB.
LEFTY49
I didn’t hear you say that you both hold up your lighters together for the ballads, so clearly this is not a romance.
FRIARTUCK01
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