Q. There is a very famous artist I’ve been seeing for a few months. I was worried it was a “situationship”; we would always be at his place watching a movie, cuddling, and, of course, sexual intimacy. I decided to break things off with him because I felt I was being used and that it wasn’t a real relationship.
We took some time off from communicating (a month), and then he told me he missed me and would really like to see me again. We made plans. He picked me up, took me to dinner, and we spent time catching up. We walked his dog at the park, and he said he would like to go to the beach with me. Later, he said he wants to give me a job (I’m a college student). I can never tell what his intentions are.
Should I take the job offer? I really like him but I’m worried that working for him might ruin our chances at a relationship — or make my feelings stronger. But also, working for him would be a good opportunity and I would love to help him any way that I can.
HELP
A. Don’t work for him.
You’re already in a messy romantic relationship. That might be fine for now (it’s life experience, you seem to be decoding it, and you can walk away whenever you want). But a job? That’s something else. The power dynamic is off, and you don’t want to attach this relationship to your resume. Also, you need to be able to limit your interactions with him if you need to. What if you decided it was over, but you had to show up for work the next day? That would not be good.
Tell him you prefer to separate romantic connections from your work life. Then ask for a status update — because you need to know where you stand. If he wants to spend time with you and hook up occasionally, you can make decisions accordingly. If he wants to date and see where it goes, that might be OK — or not.
Maybe he isn’t sure about his intentions, but he could be honest about that, at the very least.
You’ve already taken time off from him, and I suspect you’ll need to do that again in the future. Be prepared to walk away whenever it feels right.
Don’t let the “famous artist” thing affect your choices. You want to be treated well and if that’s not happening, you can go. There will be other, less confusing professional opportunities. Look out for them.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Don’t work for him. Don’t keep seeing him. Go hang out with friends and don’t waste your college years with him.
ASH
You say he’s very famous. Is that his ego talking? There are not many living artists who can be labeled “very famous” and are also single. My guess is that he’s using you — not to be a terrible person but because he’s got a hot young thing fawning over him. Stop stroking his ego. Move on.
LUPELOVE
Your judgment is clouded by his celebrity. In the long run, you’re much better off without him. Date people closer to your own age.
SEENITTOO
My dear, trust your gut and save yourself more heartache. You already went through a chapter with him (by your choice), and you felt used and unhappy. I think you still have stars in your eyes from his fame, money, lifestyle. He knows he can manipulate you because you are so young, and that he can get a lot of women. You will not be the only one, and you’ll be miserable. Be nice, be sweet, but tell him you are not interested in a job, and you are “very busy these days.” Then don’t respond to any more contacts. Phase him out!
JIVEDIVA
Tell him you’ll take the job but you don’t mix business with pleasure, so it’ll be strictly platonic. Let’s see how long that job offer lasts if he believes you’re telling the truth.
HACKEN
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