Q. I’m a 46-year-old woman who broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago. We were together for almost three years.
The reason for the breakup was that we spent all of our time together. He wasn’t spending time with his kids and wanted to do everything with me. I’ve been saying, “Spend time with your kids!” He’s only had quality time with them about three times since I’ve been with him.
He has three teens and they live with him sometimes. They’ll come home and work. They don’t seem to have friends. He has cameras all over the house, which makes it seem like friends can’t come over.
I feel so bad for those kids, and they don’t have much of a relationship with their mother, either. I didn’t see this getting better, but I’m heartbroken.
– Heartbroken
A. It sounds like you’ve made a decision—and the right one. You did not want to join him in a life of being present but absent.
You haven’t asked a real question here, but I assume you want validation? Someone to tell you it’s as sad as it feels? Well, it is. You’re going to grieve this relationship and be so disappointed that it couldn’t be more.
It will be unpleasant. There might be some anger and confusion.
But I imagine there might also be some relief. You’ve been thinking about his parenting style for a long time, hoping it might change, wanting him to do things differently. Now you won’t have to watch it. You’ll be able to spend your time with people who share your values. You just have to find them.
I say this a lot to letter writers, but good company is key. If you can find one friend—maybe someone you haven’t seen in a while because you’ve been with this man—you might have a great time and begin to grow a new routine.
The breakup will still make you sad, but you’ll have eyes on different things. Happy things.
Good for you for making difficult choices. Now it’s time to build for yourself.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
It’s sad that a father has to be encouraged to spend quality time with his teen kids. Sounds like he and his kids need counseling but that’s on him to figure out. You did the right thing by leaving a relationship that wasn’t working for you…and yes; how your partner treats others (whether it’s a waiter, a colleague, a friend, or a relative) says a lot about who they are. BKLYNMOM
I wouldn’t want to be around a guy 24/7, much less one that doesn’t prioritize his family and has cameras around the house that make them feel creeped out and isolated. PENSEUSE
You are making it worse by going to pieces over things you cannot change (such as his and the mom’s parenting). If you want to help girls who need an auntie or big sister in their lives, volunteer for the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization or a student tutoring program. JIVEDIVA
The real question is how you lasted three years with this man. His dysfunctional family was not caused by you—but any participation past a six month relationship investigative period is questionable. AUNTTIGGYWINK
I get the three years; sometimes it takes a while to let the deal breakers sink in to total annoyance stage. This particular red flag was probably flying for the letter writer to only fully appreciate by the end of the first year of dating. By then there is a lot of inertia. A dating conundrum: How do you vet a potential partner with enough thoroughness and then how do you bail after all of the emotional investment? It is not a business decision. Sunk costs are sunk, but the whole point of attachment is to move beyond cold calculations. PERDIDOTROUVE