MayeDay! MayeDay!
The SS Kraft is taking on water. The good ship and crew are in peril and the gales of October may come early.
Serious football scholars insist we’re not supposed to talk about playing Drake Maye over Jacoby Brissett because the rookie quarterback would be permanently damaged if he were thrust into the starting role Sunday against Miami at Gillette Stadium. The No. 3 pick in the 2024 draft needs to learn by watching and it’s too much to ask him to start his NFL career behind the Swiss Cheese Five, a.k.a the Patriots’ offensive line.
We don’t care. We have seen enough. And it just keeps getting worse.
Remember Steve Martin playing Neal Page in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”? After many hours enduring John Candy’s Del Griffith character (the boring shower curtain ring salesman), Neal finally explodes and says, “I could tolerate any insurance seminar! For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, ‘How can you stand it?’ I’d say, ‘Cuz I’ve been with Del Griffith. I can take anything.’ ”
That is the experience of watching this Patriots offense with Brissett at quarterback. Sunday’s 30-13 loss to the 49ers was so bad it almost made me wish the Red Sox season was still going. (Only kidding — nothing is dull enough to make one long for more NESN pumping the tires of the Romy Gonzalez All-Stars, pushing the phony third-wild-card narrative.)
Brissett is the ultimate stand-up guy. A man’s man. He’s tough and loyal. He’s a gamer. We want him to teach our children. He’s a professional athlete who’s a true role model. We wish he’d run for president or at least become the next host of “Jeopardy!”
But we don’t need to see him running this offense anymore. It’s painful.
The Patriots have had four starting left tackles in four games, and it shows. Brissett is running for his life on almost every play. He’s scrambling like Fran Tarkenton from the 1970s. And he’s directing an offense from the pre-AFL 1950s.
New England simply has no downfield passing game. None. We’re not asking for Peyton Manning to Marvin Harrison, Joe Montana to Jerry Rice, or Y.A. Tittle to Del Shofner. We’d gladly settle for Jim Plunkett to Randy Vataha or Drew Bledsoe to Vincent Brisby. Heck, you could even give us Zo to Brockton’s Greg McMurtry.
But this?
This is ridiculous. New England receivers Pop Douglas, Ja’Lynn Polk, and Kayshon Boutte are unable to get separation, primarily because it’s hard to shake your defender in the three seconds before Brissett is smothered by Nick Bosa and friends.
Oh, and fourth-round draft pick Javon Baker? The guy who told us, “Bring your popcorn. I make people in wheelchairs stand up”?
Baker was not active in the season opener and got off the bench for six plays in Weeks 2 and 3. He has yet to be targeted.
Meanwhile, poor Brissett is a pocket pinata. He was hired to take a beating, and he’s earning every penny of his $6.5 million guarantee for 2024. He was sacked five times and hurried 11 in the 24-3 loss to the Jets. Sunday, it was six sacks and 10 hurries.
“That’s just part of the job,’’ said Brissett. “We knew there were going to be bumps in the road.
“Obviously the product is not where we want it right now, but we’re still in the process of figuring out how to make the best product.”
Since the last minute of regulation against Seattle, the Patriots have been outscored, 60-16, by the Seahawks, Jets, and 49ers. New England is averaging 13 points per game. Brissett is passing for 134 yards per game. He managed to avoid turnovers for the first three games, but Sunday had a pick-6 and a lost fumble.
“We can’t spot them two turnovers like that,” said Brissett.
The Patriots’ indefatigable running back, Rhamondre Stevenson, has fumbled four times in four games. That’s three more fumbles than Bill Belichick would have allowed. The Hoodie put your butt on the bench for a long time after just one.
New England’s offense looks like it was drawn up by Walter Camp and Clark Shaughnessy (no relation). Conservative? The Patriots make Charlie Kirk look like Abbie Hoffman. It’s 3 yards and a dust of Brissett. There is no daring. No urgency. No color. No action. No fun.
So we want The Drake. We love The Drake. He is new. He is not the stoic and steady Jacoby Brissett. He is the future.
After Sunday’s loss, when Mayo was asked about switching quarterbacks, he talked about watching game film, doing a better job pass protecting, and “getting the ball out of our hand.”
“At this point, Jacoby is our starting quarterback,” said the coach.
Mayo said the same thing Monday morning.
“I know people want to see the third overall pick play,” he said. “We came into the season with a plan, and we’re going to execute that plan, knowing we’re going to take our bumps and bruises.”
Swell.
We understand the common sense of it. We know you don’t put the team in the hands of the kid until the season is officially over.
But that time is now. The competitive part of the Patriots’ season is over. They might win another two or three games, but they aren’t going anywhere. And not even the gang at Kraft News Service, WBZ Channel 4, is going to convince us otherwise.
Time for The Drake to walk into the fire. He has witnessed Brissett taking one for the team. He knows the score. He’s not going to learn any more watching this weekly carnage. The Dolphins might have the worst defense in the NFL.
The future is now. We want The Drake.
More Patriots stories:
- Instant Analysis: The Patriots are probably the worst team in the NFL, and Sunday’s blowout loss to the 49ers proves it
- Christopher L. Gasper: It’s best to keep Drake Maye out of harm’s way until more help arrives
- The Patriots suffered a third straight loss, this time a blowout against the star-studded 49ers. Here’s how it unfolded.
- After another loss, linebacker Jahlani Tavai says injuries are no excuse for Patriots’ struggles on defense
- Already stretched thin, Patriots’ roster depth tested further in loss to 49ers
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at daniel.shaughnessy@globe.com. Follow him @dan_shaughnessy.