Q. How do I untangle the subconscious competitiveness I have with my older sister, who is not that much older than me? It’s a competition I don’t want to be part of, but I find myself slipping into old patterns.
The competitiveness stems from childhood when she pursued boys I had crushes on, to later, when she bought more presents for my daughter than I could afford, etc.
Sometimes I feel small around her, and sometimes I think I have done something better than her. I’d like to learn how to feel confident in my own abilities while also not allow her snide comments to go by unchecked.
Nor do I want to feel superior to her. Do I bite my tongue the next time the competition starts, or do I speak my truth?
SISTER
A. If you’re not in therapy, consider it. It can be a short-term thing. Your sister’s behavior seems to hit you in the most vulnerable places, and it might be nice to talk that out.
With or without therapy, try to treat your sister the way you want to be treated. That sounds obvious and easy, but it takes intention. There’s some mirroring here, right? She gets mean or thoughtless, and you get defensive, quiet, maybe angry. But if you show her how a confident, kind person behaves — and how lovely it can be — she might follow along.
This new way of being might involve speaking your truth when something upsets you. What does a self-assured, loving person do after that kind of moment? Maybe they say, “Ouch, that hurt a little bit,” or, “FYI — I’m a bit sensitive about that.” Don’t let it fester. That’s how one weird comment turns into 20 years of resentment.
She might turn to you at some point and say, “That just hurt my feelings.” Maybe you’ll find out this goes both ways.
Your sister might not be able to get on your level with this. Regardless, you can control your own decisions and set an example.
I think that sometimes we perform health and confidence, and it’s like practice — and then it becomes the genuine default. That might be the case here — that you behave the way you wish you could, and eventually it’s the new status quo.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
One way to change the dynamic is to convert competition into appreciation. Contemplate what your sister IS good at. Say so. Talk to yourself when she’s not around and say it to her when she is. … That is one way to soften you both. Another method is to NOT CARE. Or maybe TO ACCEPT. Let your sister be better. Even at things she isn’t. So what? Does it actually matter? … Replace the fear of not being first with the love and understanding that you are enough, right now.
JUSTMYPERSPECTIVE
You can certainly hold a grudge, letter writer, I will give you that. It sounds like you are old enough to have heard the saying that the confidence you seek comes from within. For whatever reason, you’ve not been willing to do the work on yourself to improve your self-esteem. I would suggest therapy might be helpful but that also requires the willingness to work on yourself. Without that, nothing will change.
AULDYIN
I question your reaction to the gift giving. Are you sure it’s all about showing you up? Is it possible your sister loves her niece, and that’s why she gives lavish presents? You’re lucky to have a sibling who pays attention to your child.
BLUEAWNING
Family knows how to push your buttons because they’ve installed them.
COMMENTOR2
^Oooh yeah. Very well put. Only you can restore factory settings!
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
When my siblings and I were feeling competitive we’d embark on a round of full-contact, no-holds-barred Yahtzee. We’d each end up bruised and battered, but we got over whatever it was that was bugging us.
BLISTERED-TOE
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