Q. I matched with a guy on Hinge about three months ago. He (40s, male) and I (50s, female) hit it off right away. We met at a hotel bar and got a room right away, no strings attached. It was supposed to be physical only. I made it really plain and simple—I did not want to know anything about his personal life. He said he was polyamorous and had other partners, which is fine by me.
The other week, I find out the guy was actually in the middle of a divorce, and his divorce is finally final. He is now planning to get his own place and start living his divorced life.
The issue is that the more I get to know this guy, the more I am getting the ick. We have a wonderful physical connection, but I really hate learning anything more about his personal life or life choices he has made. For example, the other day he got kicked off a commercial airline during boarding because he was being disrespectful.
Then he tells me a story about how he got in a fight with his ex-wife, and how several times cops have been called to his house because they would get into really loud arguments in front of his children. Then he mentioned his current primary partner is sober, and that she is not as fun as she used to be when she was drinking.
But he also keeps warning me not to fall in love with him. Why would I fall in love?
This has become boring, tedious, and all about him. How do I politely make it very clear that he should keep his personal life to himself? He keeps asking me what I am looking for in a relationship. I say I am strictly looking for sex, but nothing else. I am a busy person with not much free time for “dates” and romance. The guy even said if I change my mind and I do want a partner, he wants “first right of refusal.”
Can you have FWB if you were never friends first? Is it time to shove off?
– Tedious
A. End this relationship.
You wanted something simple, but this is a mess. He’s telling you too much, and all of it sounds … not very sexy.
You can find someone else who’s interested in a no-strings-attached relationship. I know you’re busy, but why spend another night with this guy—who yells at his ex and got kicked off a plane!—when you could look for someone hot and new?
I do wonder whether you’ve stayed for three months because you know you’d never fall in love with him. He’s safe in that way—because you kind of despise him.
But that’s no reason to stick around. There are more options out there. Better ones.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
It’s entirely possible for someone to be good in bed and bad at life. EMPRESSETHEL
For a friend with benefits, this is a lot of work when the point is to have fun. BRENDA67
No need to waste any more time on a 40ish guy who acts up on airplanes. DANGLE–PARTICIPLE
This is kinda the opposite of a “love letter.” SEENITTOO
It sounds like this situation has run its course. It’s a hassle at best and downright dangerous at worst. There is a conga line of guys available for a no-strings-attached sexual relationship. Moving on will be way easier than you think. PEZBB1969
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