The plot of “Eternity” bears some resemblance to the 1991 film “Defending Your Life,” the hilarious Albert Brooks romantic comedy starring him and Meryl Streep. Both films take place in a cleverly constructed afterlife, and contemplate what happens after you die. These are secular films, so there’s neither heaven nor hell. The only things in their Great Beyond are human foibles and potentially disastrous decisions to be made.
In other words, life after death is basically just more living.
I bring up the far superior Streep film because, despite Albert Brooks’s trademark cynicism, “Defending Your Life” has people we want to see fall in love. I’ve said this a million times before, so it will sound familiar: All a rom-com needs to work is characters you want to see end up together. “Eternity” fails this test big time.
In addition to presenting us with three unlikable protagonists who needed to stay away from each other, the script by Patrick Cunnane and director David Freyne cheats more than a pair of loaded dice. These two repeatedly violate the rules of the universe they created. It’s too bad, because there are some interesting and funny ideas inside this movie.
The rules of “Eternity” are simple: After you die, you’re allowed to choose your own afterlife adventure world, which may be populated with other people. Once you do, you must live there forever. Dissatisfied customers who try to escape the future they’ve chosen are captured and sent to The Void, a black room filled with nothingness. Until you choose, you’re in limbo at a train station with a hotel attached to it.
To help frazzled new dead people out, every world has a marketing department to bombard shoppers with reasons why their eternity is the correct one. A person can spend forever in Earthly simulations like a mountain cabin or a crowded beach. There are also niche eternities like the ominous “Clown World,” the boring “Museum World,” and the fierce-sounding, self-explanatory “Queer World.”
There’s also “Man Free World,” which is so popular with women that it’s full. Yes, an eternity has an occupancy limit, so indecisive spirits may not get the forever they want. “Eternity” drops a love triangle into this setup, with two men vying for a woman named Joan.
Elizabeth Olsen plays the younger version of Joan, but we first see the character depicted as a senior citizen played by Betty Buckley. Older Joan (as the credits call her) is driving with Older Larry (Barry Primus), her husband of 65 years. They’re en route to a gender reveal party held by their grandchildren. Larry and Joan bicker incessantly throughout their screentime, and while it’s supposed to be endearing (don’t all married couples argue?), it’s actually quite hostile.
Older Larry dies after choking to death on a pretzel at the party, and winds up in some kind of train station waiting area. He’s met by his “A.C.,” or “afterlife coordinator,” Anna (Da’Vine Joy Randolph from “The Holdovers”). Anna explains to Larry that he’s in a waiting area and that he is dead. She also explains that Larry appears at the age when he was happiest in life.
Though Larry is now in the far younger body of Miles Teller, the annoying grumpiness of his older self remains. All Larry does is procrastinate and complain, to the point where I couldn’t stand being trapped with him for 2 hours.
Larry has an ulterior motive for procrastinating. Thanks to the old, reliable Screenplay Contrivance, older Joan has terminal cancer. Young Joan joins Larry just as he’s about to leave for his eternity. She’s given her own A.C., Ryan (John Early), whose flirty sparring with fellow A.C. Anna is the only convincing love story in this movie. Early and Randolph are a joy to watch.
The afterlife has all the earthly pleasures, including sex and booze. The latter is provided by Luke (Callum Turner), a kind bartender who never chose an eternity and was forced to work in the waiting area hotel bar. (Turner also looks so much like Teller that I couldn’t tell them apart at times.) Luke’s been waiting 67 years to be joined by the wife he left a widow when he died in the Korean War. Do the math, and you’ll discover that wife is Joan. Her dilemma is that she must choose which husband she wants to be with forever and ever, Amen.
Here’s where “Eternity” starts falling apart. Both men are macho stereotypes who treat Joan like their property. They believe they’re owed her, and neither cares about her opinion. Though she’s allowed a week with each to make up her mind, Joan is only given the illusion of agency. Her character’s main trait is that she’s conflicted, and two men are guiding her decision. Olsen has zero chemistry with either actor, so there’s no suspense.
The one decision Joan makes on her own — and it’s the correct one — is immediately negated by the film. Remember when I said this movie shamelessly cheats? Joan not only gets to make three separate choices, she also violates the rules with no punishment.
Had ”Eternity” given me characters I wanted to see fall in love, none of this would matter. But I didn’t care. Plus, with its outdated ideas about gender norms and marriage, and its cheap gay sex jokes, “Eternity” is so misguided that I thought to myself “men must have written this movie.” I admit that is quite sexist. I also admit that I wasn’t wrong.
★★
ETERNITY
Directed by David Freyne. Written by Freyne, Patrick Cunnane. Starring Elizabeth Olsen, Miles Teller, Callum Turner, Da’Vine Joy Randolph, John Early, Betty Buckley, Barry Primus. At Coolidge Corner, AMC Boston Common, Alamo Drafthouse Seaport, AMC Causeway, suburbs. 112 minutes. PG-13 (all the stuff that heaven doesn’t allow)
Odie Henderson is the Boston Globe's film critic.