Q. I’m 31 and was single for a large majority of my 20s. I recently ended a relationship that lasted two years. My friends want to know when I’m going to get serious about moving in with someone, marriage, etc.—the things they are all moving toward.
To be honest, I’m not feeling a pull toward it right now. I do love my friends, but I need people who relate to my current lifestyle (single with no kids). I’m more interested in expanding my hobbies.
Recently I told one friend that in all of my years of dating, I have struggled to find men who are romantically attracted to me and I to them. There are plenty I’m friends with, and others who think I’m funny or have a great personality. Some who are sexually attracted to me, but nothing else. I suggested maybe I’m just dating out of my league in terms of looks.
She asked if this was my way of coming out to her and dating women instead. I thought it was funny at first, now I’m wondering why I seem to struggle so much more than my peers with men and romance. It’s so hard for me to connect with it that I just focus on other things.
– Disconnected
A. I think you’re asking for advice about why you struggle with romance. But I’m not sure you do.
You had a two-year relationship. You have crushes on men, and sometimes they reciprocate. You haven’t felt a strong desire to make romance the center of your life, but that’s OK. Hobbies are great. So is being single.
My advice is about friends. Maybe your group is fantastic, but it also sounds like you could use a new community of people in their 30s who focus on work, going out, and other activities.
You happen to be in a pack of peers with similar paths and priorities (say that five times fast), but at 31, I was more like you. I was spending money on concert tickets, and trying to figure out a way to afford to see Spain. I had friends who were brave about love and focused on finding partners, but I also had a group of companions whose “big life moments” didn’t have to do with love at all.
Prioritize finding one or two new people who are single like you. That’s the key here—to find context and new company, so you know there are a zillion ways to live your life.
Last thing: Tell your friends that when you talk about this, you could use their support. Explain that you’re hard enough on yourself, and that you can use the occasional reminder that you’re on your own schedule, happy with your life, and doing great.
As for the friend who thought you were coming out, I hope she was nice about it. If not, that’s another reason to grow and change your circle.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
It sounds like your friend doesn’t understand you and is unlikely to try. I’d question that friendship, or at the very least set some serious boundaries. Never let someone suggest they know you better than you know yourself. STORMYWEATHERGIRL
Finding romance comes down to finding the right person, at the right time—it’s not something you can dial up like a pizza. Just enjoy your current lifestyle and be on the lookout for new opportunities. JIM501
If the guys you’re picking aren’t right for you, then think outside your usual box. If your not interested in romance right now, that’s OK, too. Just live your life. ASH12345
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