Q. My significant other, a 26-year-old man, thinks it is too young to get engaged before 30. We’ve been together for five years and I, a 25-year-old woman, keep explaining that marriage before 30 gives you time as a married couple before having kids well before 35. My significant other understands that women have a biological countdown to have kids, but he thinks we’re rushing into things. Should I accept his opinion and consider forsaking the grace period after marriage? Or should I try to change his mind?
— Grace Period
A. You’ve tried to change his mind, but he’s not ready.
It also sounds like you’re in your grace period now — that if you wait another four yeas or so, you’ll have had almost a decade of fun as a long-term couple, without child-care responsibilities.
That seems to be the compromise, right? More time now, less time after marriage but before kids.
All of this works if you both want to get married eventually.
He does, right?
Has he told you he’s sure about that?
I don’t know what to assume when you say he’s worried you’re rushing into these decisions. If he’s not sure he wants to get married and have kids with you at all, he should speak up now, so you can make decisions accordingly.
As you talk about this, remember: None of these ages are magic. You might decide you want a kid at 31. You might decide 36 sounds great. Even if everyone is on board for everything, you never know what will happen.
Most people will tell you that life doesn’t always go according to plan, so get ready for surprises.
— Meredith
READERS RESPOND
Obviously, many people get married (not just engaged) before 30 so it would have been helpful to know what is holding him back. Do you think he has a valid reason? I could see if he wanted to wait until he finished a master’s degree and got a job, as one example. But I think after five years together, he should know if he wants to get married or not. LEGALLYLIZ2017
If you feel sure he’s the one for you and confident that he feels the same, what’s a few years in the grand scheme of your life? But if you sense he’s not sure about you after five years, better to move on now. It’s not clear from your letter how much you love him and are compatible and happy together vs. you’re trying to lock down a husband before 30 and this is the guy standing next to you. DDL314
When I was 25, I was with someone for a couple of years and asked him where he saw himself in five years. He explained his dream of living in a city a couple hours away in some large community space to work on creative projects. I learned from this conversation that he was not serious at all about our relationship. I didn’t even factor into his vision! It would have been a disaster if I stayed, hoping he’d change his mind, or if I tried to [persuade] him to want something different. ... I’m so grateful that instead of trying to play a game of tug-of-war, I just heard him and broke up with him a week later. BONECOLD
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