Q. I’m in a long-distance relationship and it hasn’t been easy.
On top of the distance, he’s currently going through a divorce.
I should feel like this is going in the right direction. We do make a point to see each other every 30 days, which means that so far, it’s been two times that we’ve been able to see each other — and we have.
I guess I’m just concerned about what’s next in the relationship, as his divorce gets finalized. I’m trying to figure out what green flags I should be looking for, to show that we’re moving in the right direction.
— Seeking Green Flags
A. I’m not in love with the idea of “green flags” because all of these new-ish dating labels and diagnoses can cancel each other out.
If this divorcing man starts making big promises about the future, it could seem like a green flag, but it also might be what some call “love bombing,” a term created to describe what happens when a person overwhelms you with big romantic promises that are too good to be true.
A “green flag,” by your definition, might look like him showing up, consistently, every 30 days. That might be all you need.
At this point, I’m more interested in your internal flags and whether you’re having a good time. Relationships are supposed to be fun. Distance and someone else’s divorce is a lot to handle.
You could decide after six more months that this is too complicated to continue. That would be OK.
That’s my advice — to check in with yourself. You’re the one holding the flags.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
Are you POSITIVE he is getting a divorce? How long have he and his wife been separated and living separately? If it has been a few years I’d say that makes me feel better about this, but if they still live together (don’t buy ANY excuses as to why — financial or otherwise) or have just recently separated, I feel less good about it. KWINTERS1
This has about a 2 percent chance of turning into something significant. So far, all you know is that you’re someone he likes to see once a month. You have no idea what he is doing/thinking the other 29 days. Stop investing emotional energy in this. See other people. What’s the problem with the local, single guys you can meet in real life? SEENITTOO
People don’t have to convince themselves, nor do they need to poll strangers, when things are actually going well. Instead of trying to look for green flags, be honest with yourself about the red flags you’re seeing that’s causing you to doubt that things are going in the direction you want them to. “Green flags” are great and all, but the way you’re using them comes across more as you gaslighting yourself into believing this is what you want when maybe it isn’t. BONECOLD
You meet up only every 30 days. How do you know he’s not seeking other company? He’s divorcing, which is a traumatic ordeal for most people. Even when a divorce is done, often that person is in no place emotionally, for quite some time, to make another serious commitment (although rebound or transitional relationships are common). You said you SHOULD feel this is going in the right direction. Perhaps your feelings and gut are telling you differently, based on what’s happening in real life. Commit to seeing and accepting the truth of how this situation is actually going for you. JIVEDIVA
Tell him you’re considering moving to his area so you both can see each other all the time. That will be the end of that one. Then seek someone unmarried who lives in your area. JIM501
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.