Q. My wife and I, we’re well past retirement now. Truth be told, we’ve lost a good bit of whatever spark we used to have. Feels like it just ran off somewhere and didn’t bother coming back.
Now our granddaughter’s living with us, and the house doesn’t feel like it’s ours anymore. More like we’ve been folded into someone else’s life, and the “us” we used to be has just … gone quiet.
I’m trying to plan a trip for all of us — don’t even know where I’m going with it, really. I just want something to work out. Something to bring her back a bit. I just want my wife to be happy again. What else can I do?
– Retired
A. “More like we’ve been folded into someone else’s life…”
What a way to say it.
Sometimes I see seventysomethings with grandkids, helping to raise families all over again. It’s lovely, but it also makes me think: This looks like a lot of work. It doesn’t matter the age of the grandkid. It’s a massive responsibility, no mater what.
I assume there were many circumstances that led to more responsibilities and distractions at home—and in the marriage. But the most romantic thing I’ve read in a while is this sentence: “I just want my wife to be happy again.”
Those words mean a lot. You could say them to your wife and tell her what’s on your mind. “Your happiness means everything to me. I love you and this marriage. I want to make sure I’m still doing what I can to give us reasons to laugh with each other, be close, and remember why we chose this path in the first place.”
Ask her if she’s OK and how you can help. Sure, you can do the vacation idea too, but I don’t think there’s a magic Caribbean island—or Boston Harbor Island—that puts people in their most blissful, coupled state. You’ll still need to talk.
I’ll leave it to everyone else to explain how they rediscovered sparks during busy eras of caregiving.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
“What else can I do?” Did you happen to ask her this question? You can take shots in the dark if you want, but I imagine one trip isn’t going to change much, as you’ll just have to return to the status quo right when it ends. It also would have helped to know the age of the granddaughter because advice would be different if she’s 3 or if she’s 16. BONECOLD
You say you and your wife lost your “spark”—and then your granddaughter came to live with you. So while you are conflating these two things (and encouraging us to), it sounds like whatever relationship/sex problems you’re having with your wife were going on before your granddaughter moved in. STRIPEYCAT
I’m going on the assumption that you’ve gained some sort of custody of your young granddaughter through a less-than-stable situation. My guess would be the years leading up to now have had a fair share of emotional turmoil. That’s the kind of environment that can really take a toll on a person, individually and with your spouse. I give you a lot of credit for stepping up to the plate. Talk to your wife about how you two can carve out time that is just for you. Maybe there are other family members who can step in occasionally to give you two a break? LUPELOVE
It sounds like you are trying to solve this problem by yourself. Talk to your wife and work with her. SUNALSORISES
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