Even on a sleepy summer holiday weekend, the story was inescapable. Arthur Layne Lundeen, 67, of Arizona, was flying first class from Texas to New Jersey on American Airlines when he unleashed a torrent of racist and homophobic insults and even bit another passenger as he was being subdued.
Lundeen has since been fired and has become this summer’s poster boy for egregious airline behavior. The image of him taped to his seat, hands in zip ties, is oddly satisfying to study. The best (or worst) part is seeing pictures of his head taped to his first-class seat.
You just know that when the police ripped the tape off his face, it must have hurt like Hades. Take that, racist, noisy homophobe!
A flight attendant on board said Lundeen was served only one drink, so he either spent too much time in an airport bar before takeoff or he’s the kind of guy who walks around protesting at Pride marches and has ICE on speed dial. Either way, justice was served with a Biscoff cookie and a tiny bag of Goldfish crackers.
Speaking of Hades and Biscoff cookies, Lundeen wasn’t the only passenger who couldn’t keep their mouth zipped and their opinions to themselves on a flight this summer. A Florida Evangelist named Whitney Lynn decided to wage “spiritual warfare” during a delay on a flight from Orlando to San Diego in July.
She got up and started preaching to the other passengers about Jesus as if she was at a Tent Revival. After being told many times to sit down and hush her yap, security was called.
“Demons don’t like the name of Jesus!” she yelled as she was gathering her things to leave the plane.
What Lynn failed to realize was that passengers and flight attendants don’t like disruptions more than demons don’t like the name of Jesus. Before anyone could use duct tape, she was escorted off the plane to spread the word of Jesus in the airport terminal, or at least pester folks waiting for their Uber.
Lundeen and Lynn are some of the more extreme versions of bad passenger behavior. But many of us frequent flyers experience it regularly. Perhaps not as detestable, but certainly enough to push us to the point of headaches and an itch for prescription anxiety medication.
The Lundeen incident, and far too many others, have taught us a valuable lesson. It’s time to duct-tape airplane etiquette scofflaws down until they realize the error of their ways. I don’t think there’s such a thing as Sky Law™. I’ve only heard the term used once in an episode of “30 Rock,” so I’m trademarking it now as I tick off a list of offenses when duct tape should be used to both shame and discipline pestiferous passengers.
Let’s start with the basics: make sure you have at least one roll of duct tape in your carry-on before boarding your flight. I’d recommend a neon yellow, pink, or blue roll. That way, when photos of the offender show up online, the tape catches the light.
Tape-worthy offenses
We all have our most hated airplane behaviors. But I’ll start with some of mine, plus the proper way to address the incident with duct tape. Don’t let my suggestions limit your imagination. Declare Sky Law™, unfurl that beautiful tape, and let’s make flying fun again!
The passenger who won’t wear headphones while watching videos on their phone
Most airlines now ask passengers to use headphones during pre-departure announcements. United Airlines has even taken it a step further, saying they will ban passengers who don’t use headphones for their personal devices. But as you know, some folks refuse to follow instructions and strongly believe that their fellow passengers want to hear TikTok videos played loudly. The solution is simple. Find some headphones, place them on the offending passengers’ ears, and tape them in place. I’d wrap them more than once to ensure the headphones cannot be easily removed.
The seat switcher
There’s nothing more irksome than settling into the aisle or window seat you’ve paid for when you feel a tap on the shoulder, and someone asks you to switch seats so they can sit near a spouse or keep their family in the same row. I’m a reasonable man, and I’m happy to swap for an equivalent or better seat, but if the requested switch is for a middle seat at the back of the plane, it’s a firm “no.” Sometimes a polite “no” is enough, but in other cases, the seat switcher will argue or try to get a flight attendant involved. If that happens, point, yell “Sky Law ™," and enlist help to duct-tape the switcher to their assigned seat.
The seat kicker
I love kids. Let me clarify. I love well-behaved kids. But sometimes those adorable tykes start kicking away at the back of my seat like a latter-day Gene Kelly. A simple request to the child’s parent is usually enough to stop the seatback tap dance. But if the parent rudely ignores the request, tells you to mind your own business, or encourages such behavior, it’s time to yell “Sky Law™" and threaten to wrap the child’s legs. In this case, I’d advise against taping (unless you enjoy lawsuits), but hopefully the fear of an old-fashioned duct-tape shaming will solve the problem.
The seat recliner
I realize I’m stepping into a big pile of matières fécales by bringing up the controversial topic of seat reclining, so think of this as a suggestion and don’t send me cruel emails. Those of you who despise a rude recliner finally have options thanks to the wonders of duct tape. A decade ago, a product called the Knee Defender made headlines. It’s a pair of hard plastic clips designed to keep the person in front of you from reclining. But duct tape can do the same. To keep recliners in check, break out your duct tape and roll as much as you can around the lower arms of your tray table. You’ll need a lot of tape to wedge the seat in front of you upright. For this, I’d advise carrying five rolls of tape on board. The bonus is that when the rude recliner starts to become agitated or threatens you, simply point at them, yell “Sky Law™," and act as if you don’t know why they are behaving rudely. Hold up your roll of tape and ask for passenger assistance.
The smelly food carrier
I remain perplexed as to why anyone would think bringing their blackened mackerel with steamed broccoli and roasted Brussels sprouts on a flight is a good idea. Once the aroma hits the cabin, it sticks like, well, duct tape to an unruly passenger. Thankfully, our new friend, duct tape, can solve the problem! Catch the eye of a few passengers who are equally disgusted by the smell. You know what to do next. That’s right. Yell “Sky Law™" and while one of your fellow passengers distracts the carrier, snatch the container, make sure the lid is firmly attached, and tape it like it’s Lundeen on a hateful, verbal diatribe. Then simply wait for the applause to wash over you.
Christopher Muther can be reached at christopher.muther@globe.com. Follow him @Chris_Muther and Instagram @chris_muther.