Q. I’m 22 and a lot of my friends are either single or in new relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together longer, and are in a different stage of our relationship — a more serious one. It makes me feel like I’m moving really quickly, even if I’m not, technically.
I feel kind of guilty about it, as if this isn’t the stage where I’m supposed to be at 22. I’m living with my boyfriend in a town, and in a home.
But everything’s working out really well and I’m very happy, and so is he. He’s the man I want to marry.
My question: How can you tell if you are moving too fast, or when you should allow happiness to guide how you go about your life? Are you supposed to plan life in a more logistical way — living on your own and then taking longer to get to marriage?
I come from parents who didn’t have a very healthy marriage, so that also kind of scares me, as I don’t see marriage as the finish line. I am worried about doing things too early and then it blowing up in my face like it did to my parents and to my family.
SERIOUS
A. You are not your parents. Let’s start there. If your relationship ends, it will not be because you’ve duplicated anyone’s choices.
As for the rest of your question, please embrace the happiness. You found someone you love, so dive in.
There’s no need to rush the marriage part; you can live together, be close, build a life, etc. There’s no need to seal the deal until the choice feels like a no-brainer.
You will have to accept that you don’t get everything in life — and not all at once. Many 22-year-olds are single, confused, go on 50 dates in a row with no success, and find solace in the company of friends who understand the misery. Some don’t date at all and build their worlds around roommates and careers. You might not get to share your friends’ experiences and bond with them the way you want to.
I do hope some of them invite you to the party, even though you’re happily coupled. You might have to say to friends, “I am not living the same kind of life, but I care about yours, and love being involved.”
That’s my one concern here — that your loving relationship will prevent you from getting close with other 22-year-olds. Do your best to maintain friendships. See people one-on-one (without your partner) and in a group. (This is a great time to listen to our podcast episode about third wheels, and why more single people need to be invited to spend time with couples.)
Enjoy what you have. It sounds fantastic.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Delaying marriage and childbirth is just a cultural trend that started in the late 1960s and ’70s as women wanted out of housewife drudgery and into college and careers. ... It’s cultural, not biological. And much easier culturally due to the acceptance of cohabitation for the last 50 years. Glad you are happy, and don’t worry about keeping down with the Joneses.
AUNTTIGGYWINK
^I married my high school girlfriend when I was 26 and she was 24. Decades later we’re still married and pretty happy. You just don’t know how things are going to work out.
UNCLETIGGYWINK
Every relationship is different. Also, there are no guarantees in life. Whether you’re moving too fast or too slow ... whether you go out and live the single life and get into all the mischief, fun, and heartbreak that might entail ... it really doesn’t mean all that much when it comes to whether a relationship or marriage will be happy, successful, or a complete disaster. That result will be in the hands of you and your future husband, whoever that may be.
THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE
If you are living (in a home!) with a man who treats you right and makes you happy, you may be feeling guilty/strange/unsettled that you’ve achieved The Dream before others, but you’ve done the darn thing, girl! My advice would be to delay marriage until it feels right, but in the meantime do the fun things all young people should be doing (if they can). Host some parties at your home, travel, take big group trips (my annual camping trip with my friend group remains some of my favorite memories). You sound very self-aware and cautious, which is great. Remember, timelines are made up. I’m now in my 40s and I see people having their first child, getting married, getting divorced, starting businesses, going back to school, and starting over in their careers. Everyone is on their own journey. No pressure, just enjoy!
CAPECODPRIDE
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