Q. I have two sisters. One sister and I get along very well with our mother. Our dad died a long time ago, and our other sister — all of a sudden — has said my mom is toxic, and I’m not sure why.
My other sister and I don’t know how we can make her fix this relationship with our mom. My mom is now 81 years old. She’ll be 82 soon. I feel like if my sister doesn’t fix this relationship with her, she’s going to regret it. I mean, we’ve already lost one parent.
We need (in my opinion) to just keep up with our other parent because this is the last one we have left.
I guess my name is “sister wondering about fixing mom’s relationship.”
SISTER WONDERING ABOUT FIXING MOM’S RELATIONSHIP
A. Please let your sister make her own choices. If she has figured out that her relationship with your mom is toxic, she’s allowed to stay away. She can opt not to show up.
You can also support her in this without changing your own relationship with your mom.
A speech you might make to her, especially before the holidays is: “While I don’t understand what happened here, I know that everyone’s relationships with Mom are different. Mine might be easier. I’m sorry yours is so complicated. I support your need to be healthy, and if you can’t deal with Mom, I’ll accept that. But please understand that she is still important to me. Let me know how I can make this easier for you, and I’ll do my best. I also hope you can do your best to understand my needs, so we preserve our relationship — which is important to me, too.”
My disclaimer here: I say all of this as someone who had a mild estrangement with a parent for many years (now I think he’s great). My sister set a wonderful example by telling me, “Do whatever you want. I love him. I love you. We’ll work around it.” There was never pressure to “get over it,” and I never objected to her closeness with him because she gave me so much respect. My sister made it clear that she cared about me, regardless of my choices. That made it easier. It also made it possible for everyone to forgive (eventually) and have a good time.
You and your sisters aren’t a three-headed entity. Your relationships with your Mom aren’t from a storybook, and the truth might be messier than you’d like. It’s not your job to fix anything.
I’m not a therapist, though. You might want to visit one to talk about family dynamics, and how to be flexible as everyone continues to grow up.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You are asking the wrong question. Don’t you want to know why your sister thinks this? Is she responding to something new, finally deciding she’s had enough of something old? Has she had a personality change? Your mom could be toxic. Your sister could be. Your mother could be showing signs of dementia. Your sister could be. Either way, you don’t get to decide what your sister thinks or feels or will regret. This is her decision, not yours. But I do think understanding what’s behind it will help.
ASH12345
I can hear loud and clear that you’re projecting your anxiety and sadness about losing your father in this dynamic with your sister. It almost sounds at a panic level — that you feel she shouldn’t have the feelings about your mother that she has, and that she needs to change them immediately before it’s too late. But she doesn’t hear the ticking clock like you do.
EACB
You. Can’t. Fix. People. Be yourself with your mother. Let your other sisters be with their mother in their own way. And stop using the “she only has so much time left” line. That has nothing to do with the well-being of your mother or your sister. … It’s purely about you wanting to dictate what your sister thinks.
BIGSIGH
Siblings can have very different relationships to their parents and very different versions of their childhood. You cannot control your sister’s relationship with your mother. Their relationship is not about you, so stay out of it.
SURFERROSA
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