Q. I am the mother of a beautiful 4-year-old girl. On seven separate occasions strangers have asked me if I am her grandmother.
I struggled with fertility issues for many years, and finally resorted to IVF, which took another few years to be successful. So my husband and I had our first (and only) child a bit later than average. However, we live in an area where, culturally, people are having babies later, so we didn’t think much of it.
The people around our age, or younger, have no issue with our age, and have never said anything. But it’s people in my mother’s generation that become prying and inquire if I’m my daughter’s grandma.
I always feel shocked, embarrassed, and a little sad when this question/comment broadsides me. I usually reply, “I’m her mother” or “She’s my daughter” with a casual smile, and move on (sometimes, literally walking away in a daze). Yet it still bothers me.
Is there a response that would make me feel a little more empowered, or that could teach a polite lesson to the presumptuous stranger? Something that opens their minds, or that makes me feel stronger rather than humiliated and unworthy? (Note: I’m not wrinkled and my hair is not gray, as if that matters. And yet...)
MOTHER NOT GRANDMOTHER
A. What you’re already saying is the most empowering thing, because it’s the truth.
It’s helpful to flag that teaching lessons to strangers might be too large a task to take on. Other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. But easier said than done, right?
You’re carrying around a narrative about your motherhood journey and the perception of yourself as a mother that’s being exacerbated by strangers’ comments. But if you work to change that narrative, it may make those comments sting less.
It’s worth asking yourself if you have underlying sensitivity about your age, even though it’s not a problem and you don’t see it that way. Sensitivity is not a weakness. It’s just a feeling; accepting it may take some of the power away.
I’m not saying this issue is your fault — at all. But we can’t control others; we can only control ourselves.
Consider telling yourself a different story about these questions. These people don’t know you; they only know their world, so they’re working off of the information available to them.
Therefore, when you get a question that strikes you the wrong way, instead of thinking “They see me as too old to be my child’s mother” try thinking “What they’re seeing is reminding them of something in their lives.” This removes all implied judgment, which is ultimately the goal.
Q. I felt bad for the girl who bought concert tickets as a surprise for her friend’s birthday but then found out the friend’s boyfriend was going to take the friend instead (“Concert Conflict”). I imagine she was very excited to do something so special and looked forward to her friend’s excitement and the fun they’d have at the concert.
I’ve found it’s important to distinguish a goal from a desire. A goal is something which depends solely upon yourself to achieve. For example, “I’m going to make my husband’s favorite dinner.”
If I add a desire to that goal (“and make it a romantic evening”), it takes away my ability to control the outcome. Fulfilling a desire depends upon somebody else’s cooperation.
Looking at it from that perspective removes any blame when things don’t turn out like I wanted. I’m disappointed, but not angry at the other person.
GOAL ORIENTED
A. This is a great distinction! Thanks!
Q. As a retired school district HR director, I recommend the teacher who is experiencing job-related stress to talk with her HR staff (“No More Rose-Colored Glasses”).
Districts often provide outside confidential and free counseling services to employees. These services are for any situations where the employees need assistance that often include legal, financial, family medical, or job stress.
Teaching is a job with high burnout. Teachers can’t help change the world when they are stressed.
HELP FOR TEACHERS
A. Thanks for sharing this resource. I hope the letter writer and any other teacher who needs help makes use of their district’s HR or Employee Assistance Plan.
Dear Readers: From time to time, I prepare a column dedicated to a specific theme.
Do you have what you might consider a petty grievance or a tiny problem that, despite its size, you can’t quite fix? This isn’t a call for complaints. We’re looking for problems you want to solve.
Additionally, is there something from the past, something that seems settled — for better or worse — that you want to take another look at? Again, I’m all ears. Send them to the regular address below.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at eric@askingeric.com.