What the Internet could look like by next Thanksgiving

This week, after months of questionable dealings behind thick doors, the Federal Communications Commission came out with plans to dismantle Obama-era net neutrality protections. (Still in turkey coma, reader’s eyes flutter, close.) Those are the regulatory structures that ensure equal access to the Internet to users across all providers, essentially treating high-speed service like a public utility. (Reader burps, adjusts belt.)

This is very bad news. So why isn’t it very big news? Because it’s also very boring news. So let’s try to put it in terms everyone will understand.

Stripped of neutrality protections, Internet service providers, or ISPs, could start  “bundling” services into tiers — exacting a premium for faster rates of delivery, restricting access to certain sites and apps, waiving costs to users who waive certain privacy points, and other schemes that have yet to be dreamed up.

You know how much you love your “premium cable” package with its pages of pay-per-view movies and blacked-out channels? How about the experience of waiting in separate lines to board the same plane? Or the compulsory three minutes per hour of Ed Sheeran you must accept as penance for turning a radio on? Imagine all of that, but for the Internet. The FCC calls the rollback “Restoring Internet Freedom.”

Part of what makes the Internet so hard to get fired up over is because we’ve spent two decades freely prancing through its open meadows. The Internet is elemental to ever more users, many of whom rely on it like oxygen. If you’ve seen how well corporations have stewarded the actual elements, you can likely fathom a guess at how the figurative ones might fare under their care.

The plan is expected to get approval through an FCC vote on Dec. 14. But some argue that debate on the issue has been rather limited.

In May, for example, the FCC claimed a denial of service attack took down its public comment system, not long after “Last Week Tonight” host John Oliver called upon his viewers to submit pro-neutrality arguments. This claim is now being investigated by the Government Accountability Office, but information has been tough to come by. Multiple Freedom of Information requests from journalists and public watchdogs have been declined, and a pair of lawsuits have been filed: one by a watchdog group seeking records of FCC Chairman Ajit Pai’s meetings with telecom executives, the other by a journalist seeking data regarding the alleged attack.

Just days ago, New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman posted an “Open Letter to the FCC” on Medium, blasting Pai for his agency’s lack of transparency regarding a suspicious surge of pro-repeal arguments that clogged the FCC site.

“For six months my office has been investigating who perpetrated a massive scheme to corrupt the FCC’s notice and comment process through the misuse of enormous numbers of real New Yorkers’ and other Americans’ identities,” he wrote. “Such conduct likely violates state law — yet the FCC has refused multiple requests for crucial evidence in its sole possession that is vital to permit that law enforcement investigation to proceed.”

Even with the looming repeal (and almost certainly higher costs for consumers), it remains difficult to get masses focused on the issue.

Analysts and experts have tried to give the net neutrality discussion more substance through the art of metaphor. It has been explained and recast in terms of gardening, showers, even pizza. But since it’s fresh in your mind, here’s a Thanksgiving comparison.

Imagine, if instead of the long folding table dragged upstairs every year to accommodate the vast array of main dishes and sides, the table was left down in the cellar, the number of sides was reduced to a few casserole dishes, and the distribution of all food was left to a few family members — let’s say, the biggest ones.

This means that Uncle Al, who last year sat quietly displeased with how few of you tried his beets, will ensure that everyone enjoys lots of beets from now on, as well as lots of Uncle Al stories of why the year-round gas mask and which senators are secretly lizards.

Meanwhile, Dad’s turkey has been hijacked by Mom, who is taking a very long time with the electric knife, seems to be purposefully giving Aunt Jen dark meat despite her repeated requests for white, and just plopped a single leg down on the kids table for Todd and Kevin to split with the baby.

The cat is now in charge of passing the potatoes, so it may be a while before you get those unless the cat likes you, and she really seems to prefer Pam. Gravy’s extra. But there are hot buttery buns for any family members willing to pass around their Facebook for everyone to look/laugh at. (Bun heat valid for limited time; butter may not be butter; some restrictions apply.)

After feasting on all this freedom, we may very well fall asleep on the couch, digesting the disappointments, struggling to recall the bounty of yesteryear’s buffet. And come next year, the lot of us may no longer arch an eyebrow in dismay at the dwindling spread. We should be grateful, I guess?

Then again, if you really want something to be thankful for this time next year, call your representatives this week. And the next two.