Q. I got pregnant by accident with a man I had been with for two years. I saw a future with him but wasn’t quite ready for a child.
We decided to have the child anyway, and this baby is the light of my life — but shortly after the birth, my partner became a different person. I feel naive and trapped.
We are tied together for life. Should I leave to be a single mom, or stick it out longer?
TRAPPED
A. Maybe this relationship has potential. Perhaps it can be fixed. You told us so little, and I wouldn’t want to guess.
Regardless, you are not trapped. It’s terrible to feel like you’re partnered with someone you didn’t choose. You are connected to this man for life because of the child, but you do not have to be tethered as romantic partners.
If you don’t see a path to a better relationship and you know you want out, call on your community (whatever it is) to help you set up a new home. You can see a lawyer about custody agreements. Sometimes there’s free legal aid, if you need it (email me about that).
The point is, there are systems for help. More accurately, there are wonderful people who can help you make a new plan.
If you know you want to go, you might as well start the process. I’m not sure it gets easier.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
As long as you are not in danger I would say try to work it out. If things simply cannot be worked out then you have to at least work with him on separating. Leaving doesn’t mean you are just a single mom. You both have a responsibility for the child.
SUNALSORISES
I was a single parent to my now 36-year-old son when he was ages 3 to 15 (when I married the love of my life). It wasn’t easy (understatement). There were times I had two part-time jobs, in addition to my full-time job, but I’d do it all over again. My son and I have always had a very close relationship. He was always my first priority, but I also made sure that I took care of myself too (interests, therapy, supportive friends, family). His father wasn’t the right person for me, but he was a tremendous parent. He was always involved, supported his son, and they have a very close relationship also.
EACB
You’re BOTH different people now; you’re parents. The adjustment can be very difficult. Don’t jump to conclusions. Make sure you’re not suffering postpartum depression on top of it. Maybe your boyfriend will be willing to get some counseling with you.
SEENITTOO
In addition to love from each parent, your child needs financial security and parents who can communicate amicably. This is true whether the parents are together or not. Try to improve communication with your boyfriend, if necessary with the guidance of a counselor. It may be best to split up, but it should be done with forethought.
BLUEAWNING
Your partner didn’t change. You just didn’t know him. So you already made a mistake having a child with someone you didn’t really have a relationship with. Don’t compound your mistake by staying.
ASH
You’re not “tied together for life.” You share a child with this man, and that will impact both your lives, but it doesn’t mean you will be with him forever. Plenty of divorced parents co-parent without living together. I think a lot of your feelings involve having a child when you weren’t ready, but I’m not sure how much that ties in to your feeling trapped.
DANYL
You have options. Talk to this man about your hopes for the future. Tell him how you feel! Work together to fix it!
THENURSE
You may feel trapped, but your partner also seems to feel that way. That’s why he’s acting like a different person after the child was born. Which means there is almost a zero chance your relationship with him will work. Be the adult in the room and split from him.
BIGSIGH
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