Ty Burr is a former film critic for The Boston Globe. He now writes the movie recommendation newsletter Ty Burr’s Watch List.
To all editorial staff:
After recent news developments regarding disgraced journalist Olivia Nuzzi, Nuzzi’s disgraced journalist ex-fiance Ryan Lizza, and Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., management has, in consultation with Human Resources, agreed to adopt a new code of ethics to be followed by all reporters, editors, copy editors, fact checkers, and related staff. This new code will replace the one in use over the previous five decades. Please familiarize yourself with its provisions, as you may be required to recite them in court.
▪ Any and all sources are to be considered for their romantic potential. No source is exempt from this policy, especially politicians, and especially married scions of political dynasties with dangerously fringe public health positions, unusual sexual proclivities, and disturbing vocal fry.
▪ Conflicts of interest are to be pursued. If by reporting on one public figure running for elective office, you can throw another public figure running for elective office under the bus, you are contractually required to do so. Additional sexual activities with the first party — or any other party, why not? — are recommended but do not count if they are restricted to FaceTime or erotic poetry.
▪ If you become personally involved with another reporter or editor, it is your responsibility to maintain a paper trail of each encounter, gift expense, suspicion, and slight, in the event that you will need to write a vicious multiple-part Substack tell-all or social media thread hanging your former partner out to dry.
▪ Overwriting and purple prose are no longer discouraged but are actively encouraged. You should desire desiring to write desirously of desire and other abstract conditions while torturing metaphors about the bamboo grove in your yard as necessary.
▪ Documentation and written proof? No longer mandatory. Hearsay? Go for it! Saying you learned certain facts because they “fell out” of your girlfriend’s handbag is no longer grounds for dismissal but may instead factor into consideration for promotion.
▪ Failing upward is allowed, but only if you are a woman under 40, willowy, blond, and attractive to powerful men in politics and senior editorial positions. Any serious damage to your reputation as a professional journalist may be repaired by being featured in a flattering New York Times profile accompanied by windblown glamour photos. While you may have to “part ways” with one media outlet due to severe journalistic malpractice, rest assured there will always be another outlet willing to hire you until such time as you turn gray or 50.
▪ Corollary for male staffers: While we may have to “part ways” with you following any allegations of improper sexual conduct on your part, the statute of cancellation shall be no longer than two years or when everyone stops talking about it, whichever comes first. Exception: Especially egregious cases will result in staffer spending eternity as a guest analyst on CNN.
▪ Crimes against journalism and the public trust — including the use of “catch and kill” tactics to protect a source with whom you have an unethical romantic relationship from damaging stories by other journalists — may be mitigated by the introduction of unfamiliar sexual terms to the general public as a distraction tactic.
▪ Addendum: Awareness of malfeasance on the part of public officials must be reported to the editors — unless it would be more beneficial to the reporter to withhold said information in expectation of a fat publishing deal.
Failure to observe this code may jeopardize future book sales and result in the employee practicing journalism in the public interest without attendant notoriety, career advancement, or wealth. And, honestly, why is anyone in this business anyway, if not to make a name for themselves? You can always find the truth somewhere on the internet.